Update 11/03/11 - I was thinking about deleting this blog, because of how personal I went here, and how angry I was when I wrote it. But I think that sends the wrong message. This blog is here to help me work through my issues, and this was a very big issue.I am still very much angry at the way things went, but I can look back on it 5 months later and understand why things went the way they did. I am not absolving HIM for the way he treated him, but I can understand there were things I did wrong as well.
So if you choose to read this, understand that I was in a pretty raw emotional state when writing it. But I am on the mend. :)
I’m livid, angry, enraged, frustrated, insert whatever word you want for it here. I have been filled with it for weeks, and all I want to do it lash out. Lash out at him for the way he made me feel.
It started in February, he found me on a social website for gay men. We talked sporadically at first. In fact, I wasn’t even all that interested in him at first. But as the e-mails started to become more and more frequent, and we started talking more and more. In fact we talked for hours pretty much every night from March to the end of April.
In March, before we had even met, I had really started to develop some really intense feelings for him; feelings that scared the shit out of me, someone who hadn’t dated since he was a teenager, actually being interested in someone.
I don’t do relationships, not because I don’t want one, but because I have never had any sort of decent model to base a relationship on. I don’t know how to do them, and after having my head fucked pretty hard core by some guys when I was young, I just stopped being interested in guys that were attainable. Every once in a while I’d allow myself to have a crush, but until HIM, all of them were completely unobtainable.
Now, with HIM, I decided that honesty was the best policy. From the very beginning I was completely upfront with him. I told him I was developing feelings for him and that they were scaring the hell out of me, and I needed to know if there were any feelings in return. I wasn’t trying to push it into anything that it wasn’t, well okay, maybe a bit, but he assured me that the feelings were reciprocated and I could just relax about it.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t relax. HIM kept saying all the right things, when I told him I had been raped, in a conversation that was more like verbal diarrhea, I apologized to him for telling him, and that he didn’t need to know. Which he responded with, “If you want to talk, I want to listen.” I told him about the fact that I had done sex work when I was younger, and told him about a part of my life that so very few people know. He was cool, and he listened, and laughed when he was suppose to, offered support when he was suppose to. So yeah, all the right things.
So all my walls started crumbling for him. Now instead of this making me more relaxed, I grew more and more stressed out by the situation. Not to mention that he came around at a point in my life that I was completely and utterly isolated socially, that made my insecurities ten fold, so that really didn’t help things out all that much either.
So I started to get a bit to use by the constant contact, and I sort of internally freaked out when he got really busy. He was pretty much the only person I was talking to for a few months while living in Oshawa. I had no real friends in Oshawa, not really. And I found it very difficult to get involved in a gay community where everyone knew and loved my mother (which is a whole other blog post on it's own). I basically was online all the time.
HIM and I had gotten together twice, both times we acted like a couple. We went out for dinner, drinks, he played the guitar for me. We had pretty amazing sex. I made him dinner. He kissed me good bye by his car, or the second time, on the subway. I thought things were going very well.
But then they weren't. Apparently he resented the level of contact that I wanted, and pretty much insinuated I was a stalker. I will admit that I probably pushed the envelope a little too much here, I really liked him and dare i say, falling in love with him, and was excited to talk to him whenever I could. So I was a bit hurt by this, but I understood where he was coming from.
But then he said that he just wanted to be friends from the beginning. And that he was completely clear on that from the start. He told me all of this because he thought it was respectful to be upfront with me about this. He told me he was sorry that I misunderstood him, and that he was sorry that I took liberties with what he said. Then I just felt like a fool.
Now this was a month ago, why am I still angry about this? Because I had to contact him recently to get something back from him, that I have had to chase him about. First he told me he'd send it when the strike was over, then I tried to get an update out of him when the strike ended. That took 6 days to do, then he told me he'd send it the next day, then he told me he had a busy day. Finally I told him to forget about it, I was sick of chasing him and him stringing me along. I also said some other pretty bitchy things in that e-mail, but I don't regret it.
It ended up with him telling me that he send the goddamn package and to please stop messaging him. Which I replied with a curt go fuck yourself, and blocked him and deleted every message e-mail and message between him and I.
Am I at fault here? Yeah, sure I am, there's more then enough blame to go around, and I will take my share of it. I certainly came on too strong, but I told him from the very beginning that I probably would. But whatever, it is what it is.
What pisses me off, is that once again I was lied too. Once again people decide i'm not worth being honest too. My walls crumbled down for him and he pissed on the rubble. The walls are being built back up now, and I don't think they'll ever be coming down again.
