So I started DBT today, or rather the crash course DBT that
I am taking that is basically a quick 8 week course on DBT as oppose to the
year long program which I am also on the waiting list for. But this is something to bridge the gap so to
speak, which is good, I feel like I am going somewhere, which is appropriate
because the clinic is called ‘Bridge to Recovery’.
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| ZOMG MY FACE!! IT IS NEKKID! |
Last night was not a good night, I was super nervous about going, my stomach
was not happy with me, the Ativan did nothing to calm me, I had hard core
insomnia, in fact I only got about 2 hours of sleep from 10:30 to 12:30 before
I headed out to the session. Oh and because I felt I couldn’t control the
situation at all, I got mad at my beard and shaved it off. Which seems to be something I do when I feel
out of control about something; it’s funny because that’s the same logic behind
self harm a lot of the times, which I used to do. But I think this might be a tad bit healthier.
But I went, despite not wanting to; despite being scared to. I went.
It felt a little bit odd entering into a room with all women. I felt like I was infringing upon a women’s
space, their space to talk and open up.
It was intimidating for me, because I felt that I was being instantly
judged by all the women in the room. I
can’t even tell you why, except the only reason that I felt like I was out of
my peer group.
Which is valid, we are socialized to think that we’re separate as men and
women. I need to recognize that these
people are my peers, these people also have BPD and that’s something that ties
us all together. There are huge gender
issues when it comes to BPD and I want to address those in a later post. Now is not the time. But it will come.
So today we talked about mindfulness and I really appreciate the fact that they
got up and engaged with us on the topic.
We played a sort of jeopardy game, which was open book, so it was
basically an open discussion on what mindfulness is, as oppose to one of the facilitator’s
lecturing at us.
Which I really appreciate because it really helped me feel
engaged in the group, but like every group situation I needed to start being
mindful. I tend to take up a lot of space
in group discussions, in things like that it’s really easy to talk over people.
I did this couple of times, but apologized for it. Then actually got called on it a bit and had
to explain why I was apologizing, since it was my teams turn, it was allowed
for me to call out the answer. The
problem was that I drowned some one else out.
It’s funny, because while discussing and learning about ‘Mindfullness’ I was
practicing it at the same time. So I’m
going to go through the ‘what and how to achieve wise mind skills’ and I used
them in today’s session. Applying what I’m
learning, while I’m learning it. I’m
going to briefly describe what each skill is, and how I applied it today, or
how I didn’t and what I could do in the future to do better.
First for a bit of context as to what Wise Mind is, so
people are not lost.
There are three states of mind that we all use are labeled ‘emotional’,
‘logical*’ and ‘wise’. To sum it up
quickly take a look at the diagram below.
ZOMG CONCENTRIC CIRCLE DIAGRAM FTW!
Capslock = Cruise Control to Cool
The goal is that balancing the two states is really the best
way to go to make sure that we take care of ourselves.
*Also called ‘reasonable’ or ‘rational’
it’s really all the same.
Achieving Wise
Mind – What Skills
Observe
This is about really being in the present moment, not
letting your mind wonder and being aware of your emotions, urges and sensations
as you’re having them, and not just simply reacting. Allowing yourself to think, and feel, not
pushing them away and just letting them happen.
Being aware of outside stimuli and how that’s affecting you too.
So I talked a bit about this above actually. I was aware that I was walking into a group
of women, I identified how that made me feel, I let myself feel it and didn’t
push it away. I was aware of the sounds in the room, things
that were bothering me, but not reacting to them like I normally would, as
these were things that weren’t really controllable, but also allowing myself to
feel that irritation.
Describe
This is about putting the words to what you’re feeling,
describing what you’re feeling and seeing and doing this without
interpretation.
For example, I felt scared anxious, guilty and frustrated. There was someone
sitting at the table who didn’t close their coke bottle all the way and the CO2
was hissing as it escaped. The chairs
were a bit uncomfortable. I felt tired.
Participate
This is about throwing yourself into the moment, letting
your self experience the emotions without being self-conscious; so in other
words validating your emotions and letting yourself experience them without
guilt. Or if there is guilt about what
you’re feeling, validating that to and what that means; balancing reason with
emotion, to use ‘WISE MIND’.
So I did this successfully, I engaged in the discussions
despite it being my first time. I
answered questions brought up thoughtful points. I allowed my nerves to fuel me in my
participation as oppose to letting them shut me down. I fully experienced the moment.
Achieving Wise
Mind – How Skills
Don’t Judge
So this is pretty self-explanatory, but I think anyone who’s
taken problem solving workshops or conflict resolution, will recognize parts
here. So it’s about acknowledging the
harmful, and the helpful but not putting that on the other person. Replacing statements that are harmful about
the person and making them about you instead, using ‘I Statements’ i.e. “You’re
a Jerk’ into ‘I feel Mad when you do that.’
Of course, we can’t not judge, that’s human nature, and we
have to recognize how these things make us feel. It’s not always the time or place to air your
judgmental thoughts. This is where I
fell down a bit today, because I felt an activity that they had us do was not
explained well. It’s an activity I have
done before in Improv in high school, and I really felt it was poorly executed
because it wasn’t explained well, and I spoke up and said that.
Even though I recognized it to be true, I feel like the
session they did today was a break in what they usually do and I hope I didn’t
make the facilitators feel inadequate.
Which rationally, I don’t think I did, I mean they’re trained in
treating people with BPD, I’m sure they’ve heard a lot worse. But that doesn’t make it any less of a judgment.
I think recognizing this is important, because as a whole I tend to make very
snap judgments about people and tend to air those judgments or let them colour
my entire experience with the person. I
also tend to do a lot of judgments on myself, which might make me hold off
sometimes. So this is something I really
need to work on being mindful about.
Stay Focused
Stay in the present; concentrate on your mind and not
getting lost in the past, or the future.
If your mind strays the goal is to being yourself back. Experience what’s happening now and don’t
place the baggage of the past or the expectations for the future on what you’re
doing now. Do one thing at a time, don’t
get caught up in everything that needs to happen. If it seems chaotic, go through it
mehodically insteady of going in everywhere with it.
To sum it up. Focus
on one step at a time, and experience that step for all that it’s worth.
Honestly, I am not sure how I really applied this
today. I stayed engaged, so I think that
that counts.
Do What Works
Play by the roles, don’t let emotions control you, use your
skills, do what you need to succeed and let go of what doesn’t work.
So letting go of the baggage, the anxiety, the frustration
of not being in control; or rather realizing that I still am in control just
not in the way I usually am. I am not
the expert here and that’s okay. Although I control how my treatment goes, and
I can only do the best that I can. I
shouldn’t be afraid of getting better.
That was the first session, summed up in the skills we
learned today. I have homework of
course, which I think I sort of just did.
I am thinking I should give my therapist a link to my blog. I also found how much of this I was able to relate back to doing improv in high school, I think adding in some drama therapy to DBT might be interesting, and it order.
Also, I think I made a friend today! Yay. Maybe this group therapy doesn’t have to be
stressful. It was cool to relate to
someone who has BPD and ADD as well.
More to come on Thursday after my next session!
