Dating (or not) With BPD

There is nothing more on this Earth that scares me more just as much as I crave it, as love. 

Love is scary and I have shielded myself from it the best that I can my entire dating life. By being an absolute asshole, by allowing myself to gain weight so no one finds me desirable. By pulling/pushing away. So many ways to do it and I have done them all.   Since I have started on this journey of self healing, I have found a new way.  However, it was not intentional.

The truth. 

Now one might argue that that shouldn't be the case, but I suppose it’s more in the delivery then the content of it.  I mean seriously, what would you do if you found out someone you were interested in had a personality disorder, couldn't regulate their emotional responses and was on a waiting list for some pretty intense therapy?

That's some pretty intense and intimidating information. 

So I started being really upfront about what I am going through, because I felt I needed to.  I needed to say, “This is who I am, I am not well, and I am working my ass off to get better.   My life is a right mess right now, and if you’re interested in me, you better know all of this, because I can’t help but feel everything to the nth degree.”

This wasn't to warn someone, more then it was to shield myself.  I wanted the guys that weren't prepared for this sort of thing to run away and not talk to me.  I would prefer to be insulted upfront then to become emotionally invested in someone only to have them realize they can’t handle me. 

The problem is, is that this isn't what happened.  I have used this tactic exactly three times, and exactly three times I got the same lip service. They say all the right thing, they woo me; make me come out of my shell thinking that this time it will be different.  This time I have found someone who can deal with all of me.  The irrational, emotional, melodramatic me. 

I’m not saying that I’m a horrible person and I have nothing to offer in a relationship, in my more depressed moments I think this, but to be honest I don’t even believe it then.  I’m talented, funny, and intelligent.  I am incredibly compassionate and can be quite charming when I need to be.  I love dogs.  I am a huge foody and would explore the most diverse cuisines this world has to offer.  I like new adventures in old places and old ones in new places, and any combination there of.  I am loving and loyal.  Life around me is rarely boring.  And really there is so much more that I have to offer that I haven’t even discovered yet.

But I’m not able to offer any of that; because right from the get go I’m seen as crazy.  Which I suppose is really more of my own doing then anyone else’s’.  But because these “Nice Guys”™ feel they have to ease their own guilt by showing me a bit of that love and caring that I so crave.  This only ends up getting thrown back in my face when a situation comes along that triggers me; they decide that they can no longer deal when I end up responding to something in a very emotional way and turn it against me. They tune out, they get angry, I get blocked, deleted, and told that I’m “fucking nuts”. Or I get told that they were never interested in dating, just wanted to have sex.   Or some variant of both of those.  

So what is a lonely single boy with BPD to do?

Seriously, someone tell me, because I really don’t know.  

It’s so easy to say that these guys obviously didn't deserve me, but when every single one of my relationships has ended poorly it’s hard not to take that personally.   Really, the common denominator is me. 

But I have to remind myself, that I am not well, I don’t have the skills, I’m not good at interpersonal communication, especially when it comes to conflict where I’ve been triggered. Not to mention my issue with men in general over the abuse I’ve dealt with over the years. 

It makes it very complicated as a man, to date men, when you’re afraid of them.

Anyway, I digress. 

I wish I could come to some sort of witty and insightful conclusion here, that would make everyone who read my block realize that every thing is okay.  That it would break down stigmas, it would heal hearts, and mend bridges.

But the truth is, is that when it comes to love everything is as complicated as hell and the best chance we got is to make sure that we don’t change ourselves to fit our lover’s wants/needs, that we try to maintain boundaries for ourselves, and that we maintain our self respect.  Because if we try our best at doing those, then it’s true, the lovers that run away really aren't worth it.

I’ve used this quotation before on my blog, and I am sure that I will use it again.  I think we all need to be reminded of it sometimes. 

 “I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”  - Marilyn Monroe