More Changes!

Hey folks, so I bought my own domain and my blog can now be found at

http://www.theguywithbpd.com 

So head over there for all my new posts, okay? :)

An Open Letter to My Most Recent Bullies

Dear bullies who just followed me into my lobby, 

I want to thank you for taking the time out of your night of chain smoking and binge drinking to teach me a valuable lesson.  Tonight you taught me that it wasn't just men smelling like dive bars that can evoke my fight or flight response, no, it's anyone who smells like a dive bar.

Thank you for taking the time to scream obscenities about how fat and gay I am, because I wouldn't invite you to my apartment so you could wait for your ride in relative comfort. Seriously, thank you, it really made my night to be told how awful a person I am because I am gay and overweight by three women who were wearing more make-up then a gaggle of drag queens,  looking like they just walked off the set of Jersey Shore.

I am sorry that your mating rituals didn't pan out for you this evening and you felt the need to take it out on a guy that woke up in the middle of the night with a sore throat that just wanted to go to the store for some ginger ale.  I guess there wasn't enough juiced up douche 'bros' to go around tonight.  Probably because they got so drunk that their true intentions came out. Literally. 'came-out', as they're probably all fucking each other on the down-low right now.

Maybe you actually secretly expect that and it's why you were so blatantly homophobic tonight.

And last but not least, I want to thank you for making my agoraphobia that much worse, for turning me into a sobbing mess when I got back to the safety of my apartment and increasing my urge to eat away my pain.  Thank you for evoking this emotional response in me, as it's something I am working very hard to be rid of.

I'm not really thanking you of course, but you are giving me the chance to work on my skills to help dial back my anxiety from an 11.  It's probably down to about an 8 now, I won't be able to go back to sleep now though, so thanks for giving me the chance to maybe be a bit productive?

Love,

David O'Garr

The women who my open letter is directed to were not idiots because they were women, they were idiots because they were drunken idiots. I want to make that distinction, because I have commented on a lot of blogs lately from idiots who claim misandry and how all women are evil, so if any of them see this, I don't want them to think that there's any chance that I wouId want them to think that I would be in the least bit sympathetic to their movement if they click onto my blog link.   I still very much maintain that all men and women suffer under the patriarchal framework, and all suffer from misogyny and systematic sexist oppression that create a gender binary that doesn't respect all the hues of the spectrum in between the two points.  (sorry that was a bit wordy, but I don't like using the term 'shades of grey' anymore)

Now that I have said all of this, I realize that this is all pretty spiteful and passive aggressive, which are reactions that I am trying to work on, as it tends to be my default response.  But at the same time I feel a lot better after writing it.  I'm really at a loss at how I could have been more skillful and effective in this situation.  

Fear and Loathing in Wise Mind

I finished the first portion of my DBT a week ago and I don’t feel ready.  I don’t feel like I have learned or practiced enough.  I am trying not to freak out, I feel I have been holding myself together for far too long and a break down is imminent.

I am trying very hard to keep to bring things back, to just this moment, to just this breath.  I am finding it somewhat calming, but in the end I get brought back to the fact that I am just not ready.  I am not ready to face the world, to go to work or school.   I am not ready to meet new people, in fact the very thought of that still scares me.   I am so unbelievably afraid of getting my heart broken again, that I can’t bear the thought of meeting new people.

I tried, twice since the last one who broke my heart, and luckily I was able to figure things out before they did too.  

I hate myself that I can not do the things that other people and I expect me to do.  I hate myself for not being able to control my urges when I am emotional, and end up eating pretty much anything.

I feel so utterly alone, that I am fighting this uphill battle without anyone there to back me up.  There is so many things I want to experience in this world, some many things I want to try. SO many things, and I’m afraid of all of them. 

I am so tired of being afraid, I am so tired of the fear that I feel every day of my life fueling the anger I need sometimes just to get through the day.  

I am broken.  Utterly broken and I am trying to put these pieces together. 

These fears are all very real, as are these emotions.  But I can not let them control me.  I am more then these thoughts, these emotions.  I am this breath, and this moment, and I am more then that to. 

Photo: Sunlight streaming through water. 
Photograph by Sebastian Meckelmann
ocean.nationalgeographic.com

Sometimes our fears get the better of us, we feel that they are too much to handle.  But we can overcome them, first just by distracted, and eventually by having enough tools to face them head on.  

I started writing this entry in tears, listening to Kelly Clarkson’s Because of You.  I wrote it down, I let myself feel what I needed to feel.  Then I brought it back, I took a breath and reminded myself that I am that breath, I am more then the emotions that want to control me.  

I am an ocean of thought, fears, emotions, joy and pleasure.  Sometimes we get caught in the currents of fear and anger, but we just need to bring ourselves back and remind ourselves, we are not just these currants, and there are many beautiful things in our waters too.