Fear and Loathing in Wise Mind

I finished the first portion of my DBT a week ago and I don’t feel ready.  I don’t feel like I have learned or practiced enough.  I am trying not to freak out, I feel I have been holding myself together for far too long and a break down is imminent.

I am trying very hard to keep to bring things back, to just this moment, to just this breath.  I am finding it somewhat calming, but in the end I get brought back to the fact that I am just not ready.  I am not ready to face the world, to go to work or school.   I am not ready to meet new people, in fact the very thought of that still scares me.   I am so unbelievably afraid of getting my heart broken again, that I can’t bear the thought of meeting new people.

I tried, twice since the last one who broke my heart, and luckily I was able to figure things out before they did too.  

I hate myself that I can not do the things that other people and I expect me to do.  I hate myself for not being able to control my urges when I am emotional, and end up eating pretty much anything.

I feel so utterly alone, that I am fighting this uphill battle without anyone there to back me up.  There is so many things I want to experience in this world, some many things I want to try. SO many things, and I’m afraid of all of them. 

I am so tired of being afraid, I am so tired of the fear that I feel every day of my life fueling the anger I need sometimes just to get through the day.  

I am broken.  Utterly broken and I am trying to put these pieces together. 

These fears are all very real, as are these emotions.  But I can not let them control me.  I am more then these thoughts, these emotions.  I am this breath, and this moment, and I am more then that to. 

Photo: Sunlight streaming through water. 
Photograph by Sebastian Meckelmann
ocean.nationalgeographic.com

Sometimes our fears get the better of us, we feel that they are too much to handle.  But we can overcome them, first just by distracted, and eventually by having enough tools to face them head on.  

I started writing this entry in tears, listening to Kelly Clarkson’s Because of You.  I wrote it down, I let myself feel what I needed to feel.  Then I brought it back, I took a breath and reminded myself that I am that breath, I am more then the emotions that want to control me.  

I am an ocean of thought, fears, emotions, joy and pleasure.  Sometimes we get caught in the currents of fear and anger, but we just need to bring ourselves back and remind ourselves, we are not just these currants, and there are many beautiful things in our waters too.