Pomp and Circumstance - or - Lack Thereof

There was not cap and gown, no ‘Pomp and Circumstance’ being loudly blared by slight out of tune trumpets, but there was a certificate given.  This week I graduated from the first step of my DBT journey. 

As too many of us are well aware, waiting lists for some of these programs are miles long.  In fact, for the regular DBT where I’m from the waiting list is 7 months.  I was blessed to qualify to get into a program that was basically a crash course in all things DBT.  So I’m by no means finished treatment, but it was a good start, this gives me a framework in which to draw from. 

I’m not sure how it works in other DBT groups, but when people graduate from DBT, they’re asked to say a few words of wisdom.  Traditionally people say this off the cuff, talk about what they were thankful for, and it’s generally pretty sweet, or sometimes bitter sweet. 

Well it was my turn on Thursday, and I took the time to write it out.  I was asked to share it on my blog.

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It’s funny to be in this spot now, I mean it’s not like I have any problem talking.  You all know how much I love to hear myself talk. Yes Kim, that was a judgment, please step away from the bell. 

I really want to melt that bell down for scrap metal.

As far as words of wisdom go, it’s only an 8 week program.  I can’t tell you that it’s going to magically get better, but I can tell you that I have seen people change in this room.  So I don’t know if it gets better or not, I’m hoping it will - but I know with these skills things are going to get easier wit time. They’re already easier then they were when I started weeks ago, and I knew about them all in the abstract from all the reading I do.

But with that said, I do actually have a few things to say. 

Don’t be afraid to make friends with the people here.  This social aspect, I feel in an important part of our therapeutic process.  After coming out as gay, I thought I would finally find a community of people where I belonged, but even among my GLBTQ peers I always felt like I am on the outside looking in.   It’s here; here that I have found a bit of hope that there is actually a place I fit, that I am not so alone or isolated. I have met people here that I feel that I will be friends with for a long time to come.  I know some of us might just be ships passing in the night, but I still feel that it was important that we all met in this room. 

The bond that comes through shared experience is a real one.  It binds us together and it makes us stronger for having known one another.

Don’t put to much pressure on your self.  As we learned in dialectics, or I guess will learn for some of you, we are all doing the best that we can. As of right now take comfort in the knowledge that you’ll get better the more you practice; the more you learn.  Don’t hold yourself up in comparison to other people.  We are all on different parts of the journey to recovery and we all learn at different rates and in different ways. 

The status of our mental health is not a life sentence.  Yes there is so much out there that creates stigma, and much of our society is socialized in ways that creates an us and them mentality and tells us all that we who struggle with our mental health have something to be ashamed of. 

I think we need to stop looking at our diagnoses as such horrible things.  We live in a world that teaches us all to think one way, and we have an advantage that sets us a part.  We think in a different way, we see things others don’t, and at times it seems that that puts us at a disadvantage.  But once we have the tools to deal with a world that doesn’t see things the way we do, it’s us that will have an edge

You see, we will be able to see what they do, but they will never be able to see what we can.  They’re missing out on so much that the human experience can offer, they can try and get it, and some of them might get it a bit, but it will be very superficial.  They will never truly understand what they’re missing out on by being able to see things through another perspective.  There are diamonds in the rough here, and we can all accomplish amazing things if we want to, and if we can let ourselves do it.

People say that people with BPD lack compassion and empathy, but I know this to be false.  There are levels of compassion in this room that go far beyond what I have seen from people who are neurotypical. Remember that if you encounter anyone who puts you down because of who you are.  We’re not the one’s perpetuating the stigma. 

Right here, right now, many of us are fighting to keep our heads above the water.  This doesn’t make us weak, because most people? Most people don’t have to fight like we have had to.  This makes us survivors; this makes us stronger, and together? Together we can stop treading water and build a bloody yacht.

I will miss all of you, and good luck.

Beginning to Deal (with Abandonment)

So there’s a very appropriate topic going on over the BPDChat hash tag on twitter today. It’s a very appropriate topic for me this week, because of what challenges face me.  Today the chat is all about a fear of abandonment, what is it that makes those of us with BPD fear abandonment, so much so that it controls a lot of what we do?

Retrieved from:  http://unresolvedabandonment.com

Well the typical answer for this, is that most people with BPD tend to grow up in abusive and invalidating environments.  So a question arose from someone else in the chat from someone who was neurotypical and trying to understand, and the question was, well so was I, but I don’t have this. 

It really isn’t just about how we grow up, now I admit that is a rather large part, at least for me.  But biosocial theory suggests that there’s a biological aspect as well.  Basically to sum it up that it’s a combination of our brains being wired differently, and our experiences that trigger the BPD from manifesting.  

I hope that might help people understand. 

Now, onto the next part.  David?  Why is this so relevant for you this week? 

<s>Because I talk in the third person and am fearful that people will abandon me for that. Becaise I would. </s> <-- Bad joke is bad.

Well I haven’t really talked a lot about the treatment program I am currently in on here.  The clinic is called ‘Bridge to Recovery’ it’s not an actual DBT program, it’s a bit more and less then that.  Bridge to Recovery works as a temporary bridging program, and realizes that many people can actually benefit from certain skills whether they’re CBT or DBT skills, and works with a lot of different people with different diagnoses.

Specifically for DBT, it’s a program that realizes the waiting lists for the actual program is too long.  So it gives people with BPD and Borderline tendencies a crash course in DBT skills.  In fact it’s only an 8 week long program, with a 4 week refresher course.  So all in all, I’m only in this program for three months. 

The end of the first 8 course is coming to an end this week.  My last session with my therapy group is on Thursday, I will stop meeting with my therapist there, and will begin to see the new one I got through my general practitioner until I am called up for the year long and proper DBT program. 

I am both angry and scared for Thursday and am having a lot of trouble with the idea that it’s coming to an end.  For the first time in my life I am finding something that’s actually helping and it’s ending before it really just started to help. 

So first step here is that I really need to validate those feelings, and isolate the intial emotional response; which in this case is fear.  Specifically this is about a fear of being abandoned. This emotion is real, it’s not imagined, it’s not fake, it’s very much true. 

So how do we deal with it?  Well I guess this is an attempt to use my skills. I approach this in a different way; I realize that this is just a beginning in my journey to self-recovery and that these people who helped me on this leg are not abandoning me.  Rather, they’re letting me go to move on to the next step.  They did all they could for me and now I need to move to the next step. 

The next step being working with an individual therapist, together we’re going to do some DBT as well as trauma therapy until I get into the group session which should happen sometime before March. 

I think it’s important that I actually start realizing how much I allow my fear of abandonment control me.  It’s not just about intimate relationships, where my mind goes immediately when I think about this, but in other aspects of my life, in regards to treatment, friends and family relationships. Not to mention about choosing not to get involved in things I enjoy in the community. 

All or our emotions and thoughts are a part of us.  We can learn from them, learn about ourselves, our disorder(s), other people and our surroundings, if we don’t let them control us. 

I know I have a handle on this, and I know there’s people to support me if my grip isn’t that tight. 

Borderline Stigma

Retrieved from "...But She's Crazy" 

So I am having a lot of trouble finding peers in the fact that I can’t seem to find many men with BPD.  Almost every thread I look at is horribly out of date, and if you do a search for Men and BPD in the same line, inevitably you come up with one certain type of article. 

The articles vary in length and in level of literacy.  At first glance some seem well though out and researched until it gets into the meat of the topic.  Essentially it all boils down to these few personality traits, that all of us with BPD tend to share.  

• Manipulative.
• Tendency to lie for attention.
• Vengeful.
• Sadistic/Masochistic.
• Abusive.
• No Empathy.
• Untreatable
• Good in bed.

The rest could almost be tolerable, if it wasn’t for the last one.  Some of these posts have blatantly stated that if they good put up with the crazy they’ll have some awesome sex for a while, but it’s generally not worth the trouble of dealing with the insanity. 

Some of these articles even seem to be well written, until the bias for their research comes through loud and clearly with misogynist bull shit.  Where they cite a reference that in itself is either poorly researched, dated and/or it actually invalidates pretty much all of their points except the one they try to prove with that citation.  

For instance, there are a lot of articles out there that say BPD is more prevalent in women.  Most researchers would disagree with that, but I suppose it is contested territory.  However, after basically saying that women with BPD are untreatable and men should just stay away from them, they mention it’s more prevalent in women, link to an article that proves them ‘right.’ At the same time, the same article actually tends to invalidate everything else they’re saying.

It would be nice if people actually read their sources. 

Now I think talking about dating someone with BPD is something that people should be able to talk about.  If you can’t deal with someone with this disorder, then you shouldn’t be in their/our lives, but if you do really care for someone who has BPD or Borderline Tendencies, educate yourself.  I have said this before. 

BPD is treatable; it’s not a life sentence. People with BPD can be some of the most interesting people you ever meet, or they could be so boring you want to scratch out you’re eyes.   We are as diverse as any other population of people.  However, we think and feel differently from most people, but this doesn’t make us unapproachable.  Now there’s no cure for BPD, but there really isn’t a cure for any mental illness, but there are skills and tools that we can learn to help us adjust to living in a world that doesn’t operate on quite the same emotional wavelength as we do. 

By treating us like we’re monsters though, you’re just making the problem worse. These ‘PSA’s about people with BPD is feeding into a system of oppression that socializes people in such a way that just creates more people with this problem.  And please, the next time you want to call us unempathetic and untreatable, search for the hashtag #BPDfriends on twitter and take a look at how supportive we actually are to one another.  There is no lack of empathy or compassion there.

Also, read up on biosocial theory and dialectical behavioural therapy.  People who actually educate themselves on the issues before ranting about them are in such short supply these days. Even just reading the Wiki pages is a good starting point. 

The Guy With BPD

So very few people have been reading my blog since the very beginning, but over the course of the last couple of years I have learned a lot, and the scope of what I started out writing about has changed.

‘No More Skittles’ was a title that was born out of an old nickname.   The person I was when I had that moniker no longer exists, or rather has changed so much, and grown out of the name.   I didn’t name my blog because I hated the person I was then, but rather to note the extreme changes that have been made not only in my life, but in me as a person.

thatonerule.com

Well now has come the time for another change, and for the official start of a new chapter in my life that actually started last March.  I have decided to change the name of my blog to reflect the current path I’m on. 

Now the path I am on is still a journey in recovery and healing, and I struggle with it everyday.  But things have changed in the last 8 months, I have changed.  See, it all started out because I had ‘depression’ every doctor I ever had told me this, and kept putting me on anti-depressants, and none of them were working.   Sure there would be a brief placebo effect, because I wanted them to work so bad, but in the end they didn’t help.

Well I was undiagnosed with depression, and started learn about a whole new disorder.  If you’re just reading for the first time, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, otherwise referred to ‘BPD’.  I have learned so much about my disorder and about myself in the past eight months, that I wanted to change my name to reflect the person who I am. 

My blog is now titled ‘The Guy With BPD’. It’s not that original I realize this, but it sums up my blog quite succinctly.  In my blog I discuss and name my triggers as I learn about them, so I can be more aware.   I try to write about the skills I am learning about and how I can put them to use in my life. I write about different things that are troublesome for those of us with this disorder, and how we can go about effectively dealing with them. 

I talk about my past, I talk about my future, but most importantly I am talking about my present.  The current moment, what’s happening right here, right now.  Mostly the tone is more of a serious one, but as I am learning and growing I am getting much better at injecting humour into my reality, which I think is important in building a life worth living.

Also, another thing that I think is important, is that for the first time in my life I am trying to create a voice for men.  BPD is a disorder that affects all genders and despite the fact that it’s found in men just as often as in women, men rarely seek out help or treatment.  There is so much stigma attached to this disorder and mental health in general, that needs to be broken down.  Since men are socialized to be protectors, they, or rather we so often don’t want to ask for help.

I feel I need to disclose that I have no desire to take away from the women’s voice, or trans voice, or any other voice in regards to mental health, but I want to add to that choir.  I think we really need to look at how we socialize boys, young men, and men in our culture, and talk about the impacts of that on mental health stigma, and oppression in general.  Which our topics I plan to explore quite a bit in the coming months.

As well, a lot of the male perspectives out there in cyber land in regards to BPD are actually about stigmatizing women with this disorder, they slut shame them talk about how awful they are to date and need to get out of relationships with them as soon as they show signs of this disorder.  I want to change that, and I want people to know that this isn’t just something that affects women. I want people to know that we are not monsters, we just think and feel differently, and we are learning to cope in a world that doesn’t feel or think like we do. 

Anyway, I have touched on a bunch of topics that I plan on talking about, but the main topic at hand here is that things are changing and I’m just trying to keep up.  I look forward to the learning and growing that is ahead of me, I look forward to getting better at the things I already know and I look forward to writing about these things and talking about them with you.  

With much love and solidarity,

David O’Garr

- The Guy With BPD

All About Dad

Today has been a rough day.  I have not been able to get out of emotional mind, I’ve been trying to do opposite to emotion action, distract, or any other tool that I can think of that I’ve learned so far in DBT, but nothing has helped.  I have felt triggered and have been unable to deescalate myself with much success.

Today is my father’s 54^th Birthday. 

I have spoken about my father before, in the post titled “The Perks of being a 17 year old gay boy”, so it really comes to no surprise to anyone that thought about my father are not warm and fuzzy.  It’s actually really hard for me to talk to, or hear about dad’s being good fathers without turning into an emotional mess because of my history with mine. 

This is my dad.  His name is Randy Clark.  He is a hard looking man and he looks like he has lived a hard life.  To which I have to say is somewhat true, I think my father struggled a lot with mental illness, in fact upon reflection I would say that I wouldn’t be too surprised if Randy also had Borderline Personality Disorder.  And although I might be able to come and understand and accept his reality, it doesn’t mean I need to have a relationship with this man.  In fact, it doesn’t even mean that I have to like him.

I debated about putting his picture up, and his name.  But I feel that I have the right to, despite the fact that I have legally changed my name because I no longer wanted to carry his.  This man is very much a part of me, despite how much I don’t want him to be.  He’s a part of me, I feel that I have the right to name him, to take away the power he has over me, and the protection he may have from anonymity.

I have so much I want to say to him, that I want to say out of anger.  And I’m going to come out and say them here.  I generally don’t like to throw around the word hate, I feel it so often gets misused in our society when people simply mean to say they dislike something, or it makes them uncomfortable.  It does not however, pain me to say, that I hate this man.  I hate everything he is, everything he did, and everything he represents to me.

I hate that he has been abusive to me, my mother, and every partner he’s ever had.  I have watched him how he treats people, and my biggest fear is that I am destined to become him. 

My father is pretty adept at a thing called gas-lighting, it’s where he will do one thing and then turn around the next day and tell you that it never happened.  In fact, he had convinced one of his partners that she was absolutely crazy and she checked herself into the hospital because of it.  I’ve also heard his partners tell me that they deserved to pushed around be him. 

As much as I want to do something to help the people that have fallen victim to my father, there is only so much I can do, when there is so many people in his life that are enabling the abusive behaviour that he has carried on with all of his life.

The thing that I am struggling with the most is that all the history with my father is staying with me.  I have yet to figure out a way to deal with it and put it behind me.  Radical acceptance is suppose to help me with this, as it teaches us that acceptance does not mean support for the behaviour.  For example, just because I accept that my father did all sorts of horrible things to me, does not mean that I think what he did is okay. 

My father has had to live his entire life without consequences, he’s never lived on his own, he’s never truly had to support himself, he’s always had a safety net.

So I suppose that on his 54^th birthday, I hope that my father finally has to live and accept the consequences of his behaviour.  I hope that in the coming year he gets everything that he deserves.  

I have to admit that I can’t say that I am not saying any of this out of spite, I am too close not to have some sort of bias.  But I do not wish him ill, I just wish that he will have to finally have to deal with the consequences of his actions.

And most of all,. I really hope that I can start to let this go.