Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.

Adele. 

Say what you want, but to me, she’s one of the most incredible artists in this generation.  She truly sings from her soul, you can tell, you know, that she’s been here.  She makes you feel the pain behind her words.  She makes you smirk with the sassiness in some of her lyrics too.

She doesn’t just impress a sadness upon you.  It’s more then that.  She makes you feel the sad, but reminds you that there’s good that comes with the bad, and there’s silver linings in everything.  Even if that silver lining is an angry rant, to celebrate how good it feels after just releasing that anger. 

Her music speaks to me in a way that very few have in the past. 

Sometimes though, some of her lyrics hit you like a ton of bricks.  Some of her lyrics just make you want to lay in bed and cry yourself to sleep. 

In this I speak of the song ‘Someone Like You’. 

If you haven’t heard it, please, have a listen. 

Never mind, I'll find someone like you I wish nothing but the best for you, too Don't forget me, I begged, I remember you said Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead  

That in particular hits me the hardest. 

Now if you’ve actually read more then one or two entries in my blog, you’ll have seen that I have fairly recently when through a break up, that for me was really messy.   For him, I don’t actually know how it was for him, I wish I did, I wish I could know.  But I don’t think he’ll ever talk to me again.

I don’t think this is a bad thing.  

He wasn’t good for me, at least not at this point in my life.  I think if it had been another time, another place, our temp… yeah, sorry, I totally just about quoted RENT there by accident.  But I digress, he came along at a time when I was feeling pretty vulnerable.  My depression was probably at its worst since my very early 20’s.   I was a right mess. 

I felt that someone cared for me, I felt compassion, and I fell.  I fell to hard and too fast, and he at this point in his life was really just looking for something casual.  Which, no matter what I told myself, is something that I just am not capable of and I don’t think I ever will be.  I don’t think there’s anything wrong with knowing that either.

In the end though, I came on too strong, and he was completely and utterly emotionally unavailable at this point in his life.  Sure, that’s his shit, but I had my own shit too, and I have to own up to that.  

I’m not going to get into the how and why it ended, I think it was just that our baggage, at this point, was not compatible with the other’s and it had to be over or it was going to explode.  Which it kind of did, but I think if it had gone much further it probably would have been a lot worse. 

The reason why Adele’s song is applicable to this is because I really do want someone like him.  He is a strong and beautiful man.  He had shown me a level of compassion and tenderness I never actually thought was possible to come from another man.  He was sweet and kind to me, and that is why I fell so hard and so fast.

I’m not trying to put him on a pedestal either.  Don’t get me wrong, he had his faults too.  He was emotionally unavailable and flaky as all hell. But he actually made me realize that I deserve better.  That I deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. 

He really is the first man that has ever made me feel that way.  I think that’s why it hurt so much when it ended, but I think he came along to really teach me that lesson.  Even if the class was so short, the lesson is very long lasting.  So for that I thank him. 

What hurts the most about it now, is that at the end of it all, I really just felt like I was being cast aside, that he wanted nothing to do with me and just wanted to forget.  It hurt, because I know I deserve better then what he did, and it’s ironic because like I said, he’s the one who taught me that.  

I do not wish him any ill will, in fact, I hope that everything he wants and dreams of comes to him.  I really do wish that some day that I will find someone like him.  It might have really hurt this time, but I think this time, it taught me that I can find the one that lasts.  Thank you MT for teaching me that.

P.S. And thank you Adele, for helping me sort it out

How To: Dating Someone With Depression

You’ve just had an amazing date.   So much so that you’ve ended up back at their place.  You’re having a great time connecting with them, really chatting and getting to know one another.

The next think you know, things are getting a little heavy.  You’re making out, and you’re pretty much about to go all the way.  But it’s been a long day, and before anything happens you want to freshen up a little, so you politely excuse yourself to the bathroom.

While in the bathroom you’re looking at yourself in the mirror, wash yourself up a bit, and then you go into the cabinet to grab the toothpaste, to do the old, use your finger as a toothbrush trick.   When you do though, you knock over a couple of prescription bottles,  you pick it up and you read what they are.

Take one pill once a day.  

100 mg Bupropion,  

DO NOT TAKE WITH ALCOHOL

Take one or two pills as needed for anxiety.

0.5 mg Lorazepam

DO NOT TAKE WITH ALCOHOL

You take out your phone, you quickly google these medications.  You quickly find out that your date suffers from depression and anxiety. 

What do you do? What should you do?

Well I’m certainly no ‘expert’, meaning I don’t have a bunch of letters beside my name and a piece of paper from a patriarchal bureaucratic institution that supposedly gives people the license to present opinion as fact. 

But here, as someone that’s surviving depression and anxiety, let me give you a few pointers on how it can and could be done. 

1)      Respect.

2)      Compassion

3)      Honesty.

4)      Loyalty.

5)      Patience.

6)      Reassurance.

7)      LOVE.

Honestly, if you’re not really doing all of the above, how are you dating at all?

I am not going to sit here and give you a list of how to be a decent human being to others.  As long as you’re taking the time to be honest and listen to the person you’re dating, no matter how long you’ve been together, whether it’s been a week or a decade,  you’re going to keep going strong. 

I’m not going to deny that dating someone who is surviving and fighting - depression and anxiety isn’t going to have it’s challenge.   I certainly won’t deny that I am not the easiest person to date.   I’m kind of high maintenance and I need constant reassurance.  Right now, if I was to enter into a relationship, I’d be constantly terrified that it was all just temporary, that there’d be nothing I could do to stop the eventual end.

I’ll tell you, that particular insecurity has cut short a few relationships of mine. But in the end, they also weren’t showing the above list, and really I think you need to do all of the above list no matter who you’re dating if anything is going to last and be healthy. 

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” 
― Marilyn Monroe