Beginning to Deal (with Abandonment)

So there’s a very appropriate topic going on over the BPDChat hash tag on twitter today. It’s a very appropriate topic for me this week, because of what challenges face me.  Today the chat is all about a fear of abandonment, what is it that makes those of us with BPD fear abandonment, so much so that it controls a lot of what we do?

Retrieved from:  http://unresolvedabandonment.com

Well the typical answer for this, is that most people with BPD tend to grow up in abusive and invalidating environments.  So a question arose from someone else in the chat from someone who was neurotypical and trying to understand, and the question was, well so was I, but I don’t have this. 

It really isn’t just about how we grow up, now I admit that is a rather large part, at least for me.  But biosocial theory suggests that there’s a biological aspect as well.  Basically to sum it up that it’s a combination of our brains being wired differently, and our experiences that trigger the BPD from manifesting.  

I hope that might help people understand. 

Now, onto the next part.  David?  Why is this so relevant for you this week? 

<s>Because I talk in the third person and am fearful that people will abandon me for that. Becaise I would. </s> <-- Bad joke is bad.

Well I haven’t really talked a lot about the treatment program I am currently in on here.  The clinic is called ‘Bridge to Recovery’ it’s not an actual DBT program, it’s a bit more and less then that.  Bridge to Recovery works as a temporary bridging program, and realizes that many people can actually benefit from certain skills whether they’re CBT or DBT skills, and works with a lot of different people with different diagnoses.

Specifically for DBT, it’s a program that realizes the waiting lists for the actual program is too long.  So it gives people with BPD and Borderline tendencies a crash course in DBT skills.  In fact it’s only an 8 week long program, with a 4 week refresher course.  So all in all, I’m only in this program for three months. 

The end of the first 8 course is coming to an end this week.  My last session with my therapy group is on Thursday, I will stop meeting with my therapist there, and will begin to see the new one I got through my general practitioner until I am called up for the year long and proper DBT program. 

I am both angry and scared for Thursday and am having a lot of trouble with the idea that it’s coming to an end.  For the first time in my life I am finding something that’s actually helping and it’s ending before it really just started to help. 

So first step here is that I really need to validate those feelings, and isolate the intial emotional response; which in this case is fear.  Specifically this is about a fear of being abandoned. This emotion is real, it’s not imagined, it’s not fake, it’s very much true. 

So how do we deal with it?  Well I guess this is an attempt to use my skills. I approach this in a different way; I realize that this is just a beginning in my journey to self-recovery and that these people who helped me on this leg are not abandoning me.  Rather, they’re letting me go to move on to the next step.  They did all they could for me and now I need to move to the next step. 

The next step being working with an individual therapist, together we’re going to do some DBT as well as trauma therapy until I get into the group session which should happen sometime before March. 

I think it’s important that I actually start realizing how much I allow my fear of abandonment control me.  It’s not just about intimate relationships, where my mind goes immediately when I think about this, but in other aspects of my life, in regards to treatment, friends and family relationships. Not to mention about choosing not to get involved in things I enjoy in the community. 

All or our emotions and thoughts are a part of us.  We can learn from them, learn about ourselves, our disorder(s), other people and our surroundings, if we don’t let them control us. 

I know I have a handle on this, and I know there’s people to support me if my grip isn’t that tight.