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| photo credit: Kristin Craig Lai |
I want to talk about letting down your guard. Breaking down those metaphorical walls that
you put up to protect yourself. I want
to talk about them, because I have learned something. I have learned that it’s not a good idea to
just tear them down.
No, they need to come down brick by brick or you’re going to be buried by the
rubble.
I recently had someone in my life who I fell absolutely head over heels
with. He said all the right things, he
had the most amazing soulful brown eyes, he listened, he really listened. He showed me so much compassion and he told
me these wonderful stories about naming infants and children infected with HIV
in Brazil, in orphanages that wouldn’t name them because they were just going
to die.
He was perfect for me, he was compassionate, he volunteered, he knew all the
right things about all of the things that I cared about - that I was passionate
about. He was tender and loving, and
those are qualities I’m not used to seeing in men.
He was a little rough around the edges too, gruff and a bit unfinished, but I
really liked that about him.
He had my walls completely down within a month of knowing him. He knew things about me that I have had
trouble talking about with some of my closest friends. I talked to him about the sexual and physical
abuse I went through. I talked to him
about how I used to do sex work, and that while it wasn’t right for me at that
time, it’s still something I respect and I stand in solidarity with the men and
women working in the industry. I talked to him about my childhood, my
relationship with my mother, my depression.
Everything, I completely opened myself up to him.
Now it wasn’t one sided, but it wasn’t as free flowing from his side as it was
from mine I’m not going to share what he
shared with me, because that’s not my story to tell. That’s his, and his alone.
You would think that that would be a sign of trust, a bond would form.
Except it wasn’t and I think it was part of why it to fall apart so
spectacularly. You see, after I opened
up to him, after I basically told him everything there was to know about my
history, I became more insecure.
Should I have told him that? Should I
have mentioned this? Maybe I talked
about that too soon? Do you think this
bothers him and he’s just not saying anything?
No matter what else he said to make me relax, I never did. I worried about where things were going, I
overanalyzed everything - more so then I already do. It became so intense for me that I could
barely handle it. Enough so that I had
a couple of friends say, “David, you really need to back away from this or this
is going to be very messy.”
And messy it was, I probably now have even more trust issues. I still can’t
stop thinking about him eight months later, even though I’ve tried
everything. I flip flop from hating him
to being understanding about what happened, and wishing nothing but the best
for him.
Everything happens for a reason though right?
Well I learned that even though a guy says all the right things, that maybe
it’s a good idea to not be a complete open book. Let him read and savour the book, so he can
really appreciate it.
I learned a lot more from him too, he helped give me a different perspective on
money and getting your education, things I’m going to put into practice. Taught me that I don’t have to indulge in all
of the things I enjoy to find happiness, that I really should stop living
beyond my means.
Because of the entire mess of it, and how it left me, I started seeking
treatment. I’ve been on an antidepressant
now that’s really helped, and I go for my psychotherapy consult in March. It’s about time that I did this.
So one day, I really hope that I can become friends with him, and I hope that
I’ll be able to talk with him and work things out in the near future with him
in an honest dialogue, but I need to stop holding my breath for that to
happen. Easier said then done, that’s
for sure. I also know, that being
friends with him right now is absolutely impossible for me, I’m not naïve, I
have a lot more healing to do and I’m still too messed up about him to jump in
that train wreck waiting to happen.
So although this started as a ‘be careful how you let your walls down’ post, I
think this is actually more about being honest with yourself. Listen to the cues your body is giving you,
if you’re feeling anxious every time he’s around or you talk about him, maybe
you should step back a little. I know
it’s a fine line, I mean we should all get butterflies when we talk to the
people we love, but it shouldn’t be to the point where it stresses you
out.
Also, you need to take care of yourself.
Get treatment. That may or may
not include medication, everyone is different.
Everyone’s treatment plan should be different too.
I learned this the hard way so maybe you don’t have too.
With much love for all of you,
-David
