Dreaming of the Past

I used to have this friend – I don’t think of her often, but when I do she consumes my thoughts.  I just had a really intense and vivid dream about her, and I woke up heart sore – I woke up missing her.  

Part of me wonders if she ever thinks of me.  Does she remember me fondly?  Or does she look back upon me with distaste after catching me in a web of lies and deceit?  Most of which had to do with her.

We had an incredibly tumultuous friendship.  A friendship that seemed to be incredibly bad for the both of us, as we both tended to bring the worst out in one another.  Both of us were as equally fucked up, both of us did our very best to hide it from the world – I think both of us at times tried to use the other to make ourselves look better.   I can remember her doing certain things to me that really hurt, that allowed her to come up on top – and vice versa, there were times that I made her look the fool to make myself feel better.

So despite thinking about her from time to time, I don’t actually want her back in my life.   I look back on our friendship and time together with a smile on my face generally, because when it was just the two of us it honestly felt like we could take over the world.  

From randomly driving around chain smoking and blasting punk, and some pop punk, we each had an equally weak spot for Green Day to watching romantic comedies and being sappy about it. I did and still do love her dearly.

But I recognize that we weren’t healthy for one another – I think, I feel, that we each needed more help then we were willing to admit and we compounded on each other.   Now that I have become a little more self aware – I notice a lot of my behaviour towards her was very symptomatic of my BPD and I would suspect that BPD might also have been a problem for her to, despite the fact that she always seemed to have things much more together then I did in some regards.

This has got me thinking though, one of the things that I find I tend to do in a friendship with a person is that I tend to emulate things about that person.  I try to become more like them for them to like me.  I don’t know if this type of mirroring is typical of people with BPD, but I think it makes sense.  Since I never feel like I’m a whole person, that I’m ever really somebody, I tend to try and make myself into someone they would like by emulating them.

Because of this I have often come across as fake, insincere, or like I’m trying way too hard.  It’s why my most of my  friendships and relationships tend to end in such a spectacular display of fireworks and drama, instead of fizzling out.

I’m scared of starting DBT, because I’m scared that when I finish treatment, when I discover who I really am I will lose friends, because what brought us together, what held us together as friends was never real.  It was me just trying to be someone I’m not.

Borderline Personality Disorder – it really fucks with your head when you let yourself really be aware and question what you’re feeling and the motives behind it.  Hopefully I can get into therapy before too long.  

Wherever you are my old friend, I hope that you are having a much easier time of things and that you have the life that you always wanted.  Much love to you.