Follow Up Confession

There are many reasons I started this blog, and although most of them are for me - pretty much all of them actually -  it’s also a place where my friends, family and other loved ones can go to actually understand what’s going on with me, because I so often have trouble understanding it.

However, there was one thought that went into it that’s not about me.   I wanted to break down issues surrounding mental health stigma, homophobia, slut shaming, and many more things that I have struggled with on my journey. I wanted to give something to someone, to know that they’re not alone.

For the first time someone contacted me in regards to experiences I wrote about, an acquaintance of mine that I’ll call Sam, because I like using gender neutral names.  This person contacted me because they were really taken aback by what I had written, because they had identified with it so profoundly that it actually made them really question what was going on with their life.

Sam also feels now, upon doing their own research that they need to go speak to a doctor about BPD.   That they need to get help, get better, and figure out the best treatment course for them.

I can not tell you how glad I am that I was able to, in some small part, help Sam ask the right questions and to reach out and get help.  For so long - I have begun to notice  with my BPD peers - we go undiagnosed for a long time.  We are just told we have depression or anxiety and are given pills and left to fend for ourselves.   This doesn’t help.  I didn’t even know what BPD was until I was diagnosed with it, and I have always been pretty well versed on mental health issues, so I wasn’t being asked the right questions for the longest time, and I didn’t know the one’s to ask.

I am so glad that I can at the very least, help someone with that step.

I’d be lying if I said that I was comfortable and at ease when Sam contacted me.   In fact, it actually stressed me out, I found myself getting a bit defensive and irritated. Sam is a great person, and I have much respect for them, but I found myself feeling a bit more lost.

As I mentioned in my last post I really have had much anxiety over this diagnosis, because I am fearful of losing myself in it.  I have to say one of my biggest fears right now is that there is nothing more to me than this disorder.  That if it is taken away there will be nothing left.

To have someone so profoundly identify with what I wrote; these incredibly personal feelings…. Well  it felt a bit like that I was losing  a bit more of who I am. It’s as if it was proving to me that I am nothing beyond my symptoms because my symptoms create these behaviours.

But I need to remind myself, “I am not my disorder.”

I need to remind myself that Sam is where I was a few months ago, and since we’ve already talked about it, they too are going to feel this.

I am not my disorder.  It’s an important reminder, it’s something that I, and other loved ones in my life have been constantly reminding me of in the past few days.

“Sam” has read this post and has given me permission to post this after we spoke about what was going on. Talking about this these last few days has actually helped me immensely, so if this is something you also need to talk about then I extend the invitation to do so. . If I come off as a bit defensive and irritated, please know that that’s about me and not you.