Fear(lessness)

It's  Silk Organic Dragon Jasmine
from David's Tea if anyone 's interested.   

There definitely has to be something said about late night writings with green tea on a balcony.  It just seems so urban, so perfect a pairing.  I think it also means that I’ll be looking for some place with a balcony then I finally make my move to Toronto. 

I want to write about fear and how we allow it to control our actions.  I am no where near where I thought I would be in life.  Honestly if you asked me 15 years ago I’d tell you that I’d be acting, and living in Toronto with my husband and we’d be raising two amazing kids together. 

The view while I write. 

So why is my life no where near that picture?  Well I think a lot of that had to do with fear, and one of my biggest, I was and am so afraid of succeeding that I don’t ever take the risks that would get me there.   Maybe I wouldn’t have all that I have dreamed for had I took all those risks, but I might be closer. 

I look at my friend C. we’re not close, we never particularly were close, but we knew each other from community theatre circles in our home town.   Now when I see her posting about her accomplishments, the shows that she’s in, I’m so proud of her.  She’s made it a lot further then anyone else then I know, and I cannot tell you how proud I am of her. 

But at the same time I’m jealous, however, not resentful.  I know I had the talent, every drama teacher I ever had told me I did.  I had such an incredible range of emotion to draw from that I do have to say I’ve remember performing a couple of times in classes and bringing some of my classmates to tears.  

I was always more a dramatic actor, I could never let go enough to get the silly; which ultimately would have been my down fall because I do not have leading man characteristics.  But right there, is another fear, I was afraid of embarrassing myself, looking like a fool, and let’s face it that’s comedy gold, and C’s got in spades. 

But this isn’t a post about C, although I bet you do don’t you C?  Don’t you? Don’t you? *hums your so vain*

No, rather this post is about seeing her fearlessness and wanting to emulate it.   Fear has constantly controlled my life and it’s time that I let it go.  So I need to do things to start taking more risks. 

First of all, this fear of abandonment thing has got to go.   I need to be able to make new friends, and I need to not be so afraid of being loved someone.  Sure I might get hurt, but just think of all the wonderful new things I’d be able to write about.  

Classic mirror shot, but part of not being
ashamed of one's body, is actually not being
afraid of pictures of it. 

I need to stop being afraid of my body and everything that it is and isn’t.  I need to let go the years of neglect and abused that others and myself have put it through and just let it be for now.  I need to put things into it that make it feel good, not just make me feel good in the moment.   I also need to not be afraid of other’s loving it, not to be confused with not being okay with other eroticizing it.  My body, it may change, it may not, but it’s a wonderful body because I am in it and I’m a pretty wonderful guy. 

This isn't something that I need to let go for me, although that is important.  But one day I want kids, and right now I actually have quite a few ones in my life.  Not long ago I was asked by <i>fairy geek daughter</i> to stop on a scale in a bathroom when we were about to give her a bath.  So I did, because she does not have the baggage that I do that's attached to the number that comes out.  So I did and I told her what it said, and she just said, "WOW that's a lot!"  and then asked me how many of her could fit inside me, and it turned into a math problem.   I promise you that was not an easy conversation to have, but one I certainly did with a smile on my face and lots of laughter with the game that pursued.  It's important that I don't give anyone, especially that young, my baggage, because it's mine not hers..  

Also her mom might shoot me if I started giving her body image issues.  

Success. I’m going to do it.  I am going to have success and I am not going to be afraid of it.  I am going to be starting my own business, I am currently busting through the numbers but I think I can make a really good go at it. 

Writing, I notice that I am getting better with it, there still tends to be the odd grammar mistake and typo, but I am so much better then I used to be.  I need to work on my fiction ideas, I have a couple of fabulous ones that I would like to do flush out and I’m the only one that can do it. 

My Father and his family.   This is a very tough fear for me to let go, because there’s a lot of baggage; anger and hurt, attached to this fear.  I am ready to accept that they will never be a part of my life again; I think that this is okay.   Not all of them are abusive, but they are all a part of a cycle of abuse that I just can’t be a part of.  As long as the cover up what my father and grand father are doing, then I can’t be a part of them.   I feel no shame from this.  

Emotions, yes emotions.  All my BPDers will understand this one.   I need to not be afraid of them, I just need to realize that I am not defined by them either.  Good or bad, I am me, my emotions just enhance the experience.  It's not the other way around.    I really REALLY need to learn this. 

Academics.  I know that’s a funny fear to have, but it is one.   You see I’m a high school ad a college drop out.  I feel that the education system failed me, and I resent it on many fronts.  From them trying to pressure me into something I’m not, to family doing the same thing using this system as a tool.   I need to let go the resentment that I feel towards teachers and guidance counselors some of whom never have and never will get me.  

I think education is something that is best done and given freely.  I feel that everyone should be able to learn what they what to learn and at their own pace.   I feel that there’s definitely foundational knowledge that needs to be learned, we all hated it, but I think that’s the important.  But once that’s go, let a child’s mind fly free.  Whether they want to learn knife skills to be a good chef, or how to do graphic design from the ground up; if we allow their minds to learn what they want I think we’ll be surprised what the future will bring.

So I’m vowing to do that.  I have my foundational knowledge, I have a good business sense, although my professionalism could use some work and I think I have what it takes to start my own business. 

What I need to do is not let this business be a crutch, a way to avoid people.   Because honestly, it’s partly what it came from.  I have people problems, but I need to address those in other ways.

I need to not be afraid to make new friends, or be afraid to lay boundaries.  I am going to take classes, writing, cooking, business classes, and anything else that tickles my fancy. Join community theatre, choirs, whatever; just do whatever I’m interested in, and whatever it takes to take me out of my comfort zone. 

  

I am a force to be reckoned with; this is something almost everyone I know has told me.   I just need to start believing it.  

Trust: Not an Easy Game to Play

Knowing the difference of when to speak up and say something when you feel you’re being wronged and realizing when you’re just internalizing things is not a really easy skill to master.  I know, because I have been trying to get a handle on this for a very long time, but more often than not I get stuck inside my own head and can’t figure out how to express myself until it’s too late and I blow up, which usually means I end up pushing another friend away.

So how can we figure out how to implement this skill? How are we suppose to figure this out on our own?


I have a friend, a friend I have recently reconnected with and they’re currently back in Ontario visiting.  I really wanted to see this friend and I made plans to take a bus to the city they were in to meet up with them for lunch or coffee, or anything.   I e-mailed them genuinely excited the day before, genuinely excited at the prospect of seeing them.

I didn’t hear back. 

Now instead of giving this person the benefit of the doubt, giving them their credit where credit was due, I internally flipped out.   In my heart of hearts I know that this person would never do anything to upset me, in fact this person has never shown me anything but compassion and support throughout the entire time that I knew them.

However rationally I could look at the situation, when this person didn’t respond to my e-mail in time for me to follow through on my plans I felt heart-broken.  Heartbroken and betrayed, maybe that’s over reacting a little bit, but over reacting really tends to be my middle name.  I didn’t understand, because this person seemed so interested in getting together to me, and all of a sudden they hated me.  Maybe I was just getting lip service, they kept telling me they wanted to get together just to keep me satisfied, not thinking that I would follow through and making plans.  

This is how I thought, so when I heard from this person too late, apologizing because facebook e-mail had screwed up and sent it to her too late, and didn’t even send the response she sent, I was almost inconsolable.   I had convinced myself that they hated me.  Enough so, that I could have easily rearranged things and made plans for the following day, but I was angry and no longer wanted to see them.

This game of tug of war that I constantly seem to play with other people in my head is getting in my way of having genuine and honest relationships, whether they be friendships or intimate ones.   You might tell me that since I am aware of the behaviour that I should just be able to stop myself, but it’s really not that simple.

What I have to start doing is giving people a chance to explain themselves, and I need to take those explanations at face value.  I need to stop thinking that everyone is going to betray me, I have to trust that they’re sincere and honest.  Because 9 times out of 10, the friends I have made over the years really and truly are. They deserve to be trusted, and I deserve to give them that chance instead of alienating myself from everyone I know.

Boiling Point

I feel I need to preface this, because I am trying to step away from just ranting angrily on a blog.   I mean that's what LJ was for when I was in high school.  But at the same time, today I am very angry, and I feel that I need to express that.  What I am trying to do with this blog is document my healing process and I can't do that if I don't express the anger and frustration as well.

It was said best in the movie, Better Than Chocolate: “You know, I’m feeling a kind of rage.  A nasty kind of bubbling-up kind of rage.”  And the most unfortunate thing about it is that I can’t stop it.  I am pissed off at pretty much everything and everyone, but let’s start at the main root of this. 

Doctors. 

Yep, if I have learned one thing in this journey of mine is that doctor’s don’t seem to want to actually help you.   I’ve just been referred from one doctor to the next, and told to hurry up and wait.   

I started this path a year ago, I started a new job and I wanted to be able to keep it.   I know I am my own worst enemy when it comes to jobs and usually end up failing because I get in my own way.  I figured if I start this now, if I get treatment, I can start getting better and I can finally turn things around. 

I lost my job in March.   I lost it in March and I am still waiting for treatment.  

I just want to get better, is that too much to ask for?  Is it too much to expect that I’d be able to get help?   But no, I’m triaged to the absolute bottom of every god damn waiting list there is, because I have a critical analysis, I’m incredibly self aware, and I am not at risk for hurting myself or others. 

Great.  Just great.   I can’t even begin to tell you how frustrating this is, I’m not saying that other people don’t deserve treatment, but talking to people that I know who are social works and therapists in other communities, it’s common for spaces to be made for people who are in crisis.  

Who the fuck’s right is it to say that I am not in crisis?  And I am not apologizing for the language.   I have been just barely been keeping my head above water for pretty much all of my life.   I want to make a change, but I know I can’t do that by myself – I have support, I know people who love me no matter what, and support me through the changes I want to make.   But they can’t help me make them.  

But every time I talk to someone else, they refer me to someone different, and I have to wait months for every referral and I am about ready to wash my hands of the whole entire thing. 

I feel that the only way I can be taken seriously by these so called ‘mental health’ professionals is if I slit my wrists and call 911.   That might sound a bit graphic, but it’s really how I feel.   But I wouldn’t do that, because if I do that it takes a hospital bed away from someone who may need it for something more important then someone who’s just trying to manipulate the system.  

But I’m beginning to feel that I’m running out of options.

/angry-rant