Boiling Point

I feel I need to preface this, because I am trying to step away from just ranting angrily on a blog.   I mean that's what LJ was for when I was in high school.  But at the same time, today I am very angry, and I feel that I need to express that.  What I am trying to do with this blog is document my healing process and I can't do that if I don't express the anger and frustration as well.

It was said best in the movie, Better Than Chocolate: “You know, I’m feeling a kind of rage.  A nasty kind of bubbling-up kind of rage.”  And the most unfortunate thing about it is that I can’t stop it.  I am pissed off at pretty much everything and everyone, but let’s start at the main root of this. 

Doctors. 

Yep, if I have learned one thing in this journey of mine is that doctor’s don’t seem to want to actually help you.   I’ve just been referred from one doctor to the next, and told to hurry up and wait.   

I started this path a year ago, I started a new job and I wanted to be able to keep it.   I know I am my own worst enemy when it comes to jobs and usually end up failing because I get in my own way.  I figured if I start this now, if I get treatment, I can start getting better and I can finally turn things around. 

I lost my job in March.   I lost it in March and I am still waiting for treatment.  

I just want to get better, is that too much to ask for?  Is it too much to expect that I’d be able to get help?   But no, I’m triaged to the absolute bottom of every god damn waiting list there is, because I have a critical analysis, I’m incredibly self aware, and I am not at risk for hurting myself or others. 

Great.  Just great.   I can’t even begin to tell you how frustrating this is, I’m not saying that other people don’t deserve treatment, but talking to people that I know who are social works and therapists in other communities, it’s common for spaces to be made for people who are in crisis.  

Who the fuck’s right is it to say that I am not in crisis?  And I am not apologizing for the language.   I have been just barely been keeping my head above water for pretty much all of my life.   I want to make a change, but I know I can’t do that by myself – I have support, I know people who love me no matter what, and support me through the changes I want to make.   But they can’t help me make them.  

But every time I talk to someone else, they refer me to someone different, and I have to wait months for every referral and I am about ready to wash my hands of the whole entire thing. 

I feel that the only way I can be taken seriously by these so called ‘mental health’ professionals is if I slit my wrists and call 911.   That might sound a bit graphic, but it’s really how I feel.   But I wouldn’t do that, because if I do that it takes a hospital bed away from someone who may need it for something more important then someone who’s just trying to manipulate the system.  

But I’m beginning to feel that I’m running out of options.

/angry-rant