Fear(lessness)

It's  Silk Organic Dragon Jasmine
from David's Tea if anyone 's interested.   

There definitely has to be something said about late night writings with green tea on a balcony.  It just seems so urban, so perfect a pairing.  I think it also means that I’ll be looking for some place with a balcony then I finally make my move to Toronto. 

I want to write about fear and how we allow it to control our actions.  I am no where near where I thought I would be in life.  Honestly if you asked me 15 years ago I’d tell you that I’d be acting, and living in Toronto with my husband and we’d be raising two amazing kids together. 

The view while I write. 

So why is my life no where near that picture?  Well I think a lot of that had to do with fear, and one of my biggest, I was and am so afraid of succeeding that I don’t ever take the risks that would get me there.   Maybe I wouldn’t have all that I have dreamed for had I took all those risks, but I might be closer. 

I look at my friend C. we’re not close, we never particularly were close, but we knew each other from community theatre circles in our home town.   Now when I see her posting about her accomplishments, the shows that she’s in, I’m so proud of her.  She’s made it a lot further then anyone else then I know, and I cannot tell you how proud I am of her. 

But at the same time I’m jealous, however, not resentful.  I know I had the talent, every drama teacher I ever had told me I did.  I had such an incredible range of emotion to draw from that I do have to say I’ve remember performing a couple of times in classes and bringing some of my classmates to tears.  

I was always more a dramatic actor, I could never let go enough to get the silly; which ultimately would have been my down fall because I do not have leading man characteristics.  But right there, is another fear, I was afraid of embarrassing myself, looking like a fool, and let’s face it that’s comedy gold, and C’s got in spades. 

But this isn’t a post about C, although I bet you do don’t you C?  Don’t you? Don’t you? *hums your so vain*

No, rather this post is about seeing her fearlessness and wanting to emulate it.   Fear has constantly controlled my life and it’s time that I let it go.  So I need to do things to start taking more risks. 

First of all, this fear of abandonment thing has got to go.   I need to be able to make new friends, and I need to not be so afraid of being loved someone.  Sure I might get hurt, but just think of all the wonderful new things I’d be able to write about.  

Classic mirror shot, but part of not being
ashamed of one's body, is actually not being
afraid of pictures of it. 

I need to stop being afraid of my body and everything that it is and isn’t.  I need to let go the years of neglect and abused that others and myself have put it through and just let it be for now.  I need to put things into it that make it feel good, not just make me feel good in the moment.   I also need to not be afraid of other’s loving it, not to be confused with not being okay with other eroticizing it.  My body, it may change, it may not, but it’s a wonderful body because I am in it and I’m a pretty wonderful guy. 

This isn't something that I need to let go for me, although that is important.  But one day I want kids, and right now I actually have quite a few ones in my life.  Not long ago I was asked by <i>fairy geek daughter</i> to stop on a scale in a bathroom when we were about to give her a bath.  So I did, because she does not have the baggage that I do that's attached to the number that comes out.  So I did and I told her what it said, and she just said, "WOW that's a lot!"  and then asked me how many of her could fit inside me, and it turned into a math problem.   I promise you that was not an easy conversation to have, but one I certainly did with a smile on my face and lots of laughter with the game that pursued.  It's important that I don't give anyone, especially that young, my baggage, because it's mine not hers..  

Also her mom might shoot me if I started giving her body image issues.  

Success. I’m going to do it.  I am going to have success and I am not going to be afraid of it.  I am going to be starting my own business, I am currently busting through the numbers but I think I can make a really good go at it. 

Writing, I notice that I am getting better with it, there still tends to be the odd grammar mistake and typo, but I am so much better then I used to be.  I need to work on my fiction ideas, I have a couple of fabulous ones that I would like to do flush out and I’m the only one that can do it. 

My Father and his family.   This is a very tough fear for me to let go, because there’s a lot of baggage; anger and hurt, attached to this fear.  I am ready to accept that they will never be a part of my life again; I think that this is okay.   Not all of them are abusive, but they are all a part of a cycle of abuse that I just can’t be a part of.  As long as the cover up what my father and grand father are doing, then I can’t be a part of them.   I feel no shame from this.  

Emotions, yes emotions.  All my BPDers will understand this one.   I need to not be afraid of them, I just need to realize that I am not defined by them either.  Good or bad, I am me, my emotions just enhance the experience.  It's not the other way around.    I really REALLY need to learn this. 

Academics.  I know that’s a funny fear to have, but it is one.   You see I’m a high school ad a college drop out.  I feel that the education system failed me, and I resent it on many fronts.  From them trying to pressure me into something I’m not, to family doing the same thing using this system as a tool.   I need to let go the resentment that I feel towards teachers and guidance counselors some of whom never have and never will get me.  

I think education is something that is best done and given freely.  I feel that everyone should be able to learn what they what to learn and at their own pace.   I feel that there’s definitely foundational knowledge that needs to be learned, we all hated it, but I think that’s the important.  But once that’s go, let a child’s mind fly free.  Whether they want to learn knife skills to be a good chef, or how to do graphic design from the ground up; if we allow their minds to learn what they want I think we’ll be surprised what the future will bring.

So I’m vowing to do that.  I have my foundational knowledge, I have a good business sense, although my professionalism could use some work and I think I have what it takes to start my own business. 

What I need to do is not let this business be a crutch, a way to avoid people.   Because honestly, it’s partly what it came from.  I have people problems, but I need to address those in other ways.

I need to not be afraid to make new friends, or be afraid to lay boundaries.  I am going to take classes, writing, cooking, business classes, and anything else that tickles my fancy. Join community theatre, choirs, whatever; just do whatever I’m interested in, and whatever it takes to take me out of my comfort zone. 

  

I am a force to be reckoned with; this is something almost everyone I know has told me.   I just need to start believing it.