Fear and Loathing in Wise Mind

I finished the first portion of my DBT a week ago and I don’t feel ready.  I don’t feel like I have learned or practiced enough.  I am trying not to freak out, I feel I have been holding myself together for far too long and a break down is imminent.

I am trying very hard to keep to bring things back, to just this moment, to just this breath.  I am finding it somewhat calming, but in the end I get brought back to the fact that I am just not ready.  I am not ready to face the world, to go to work or school.   I am not ready to meet new people, in fact the very thought of that still scares me.   I am so unbelievably afraid of getting my heart broken again, that I can’t bear the thought of meeting new people.

I tried, twice since the last one who broke my heart, and luckily I was able to figure things out before they did too.  

I hate myself that I can not do the things that other people and I expect me to do.  I hate myself for not being able to control my urges when I am emotional, and end up eating pretty much anything.

I feel so utterly alone, that I am fighting this uphill battle without anyone there to back me up.  There is so many things I want to experience in this world, some many things I want to try. SO many things, and I’m afraid of all of them. 

I am so tired of being afraid, I am so tired of the fear that I feel every day of my life fueling the anger I need sometimes just to get through the day.  

I am broken.  Utterly broken and I am trying to put these pieces together. 

These fears are all very real, as are these emotions.  But I can not let them control me.  I am more then these thoughts, these emotions.  I am this breath, and this moment, and I am more then that to. 

Photo: Sunlight streaming through water. 
Photograph by Sebastian Meckelmann
ocean.nationalgeographic.com

Sometimes our fears get the better of us, we feel that they are too much to handle.  But we can overcome them, first just by distracted, and eventually by having enough tools to face them head on.  

I started writing this entry in tears, listening to Kelly Clarkson’s Because of You.  I wrote it down, I let myself feel what I needed to feel.  Then I brought it back, I took a breath and reminded myself that I am that breath, I am more then the emotions that want to control me.  

I am an ocean of thought, fears, emotions, joy and pleasure.  Sometimes we get caught in the currents of fear and anger, but we just need to bring ourselves back and remind ourselves, we are not just these currants, and there are many beautiful things in our waters too. 

Pomp and Circumstance - or - Lack Thereof

There was not cap and gown, no ‘Pomp and Circumstance’ being loudly blared by slight out of tune trumpets, but there was a certificate given.  This week I graduated from the first step of my DBT journey. 

As too many of us are well aware, waiting lists for some of these programs are miles long.  In fact, for the regular DBT where I’m from the waiting list is 7 months.  I was blessed to qualify to get into a program that was basically a crash course in all things DBT.  So I’m by no means finished treatment, but it was a good start, this gives me a framework in which to draw from. 

I’m not sure how it works in other DBT groups, but when people graduate from DBT, they’re asked to say a few words of wisdom.  Traditionally people say this off the cuff, talk about what they were thankful for, and it’s generally pretty sweet, or sometimes bitter sweet. 

Well it was my turn on Thursday, and I took the time to write it out.  I was asked to share it on my blog.

---

It’s funny to be in this spot now, I mean it’s not like I have any problem talking.  You all know how much I love to hear myself talk. Yes Kim, that was a judgment, please step away from the bell. 

I really want to melt that bell down for scrap metal.

As far as words of wisdom go, it’s only an 8 week program.  I can’t tell you that it’s going to magically get better, but I can tell you that I have seen people change in this room.  So I don’t know if it gets better or not, I’m hoping it will - but I know with these skills things are going to get easier wit time. They’re already easier then they were when I started weeks ago, and I knew about them all in the abstract from all the reading I do.

But with that said, I do actually have a few things to say. 

Don’t be afraid to make friends with the people here.  This social aspect, I feel in an important part of our therapeutic process.  After coming out as gay, I thought I would finally find a community of people where I belonged, but even among my GLBTQ peers I always felt like I am on the outside looking in.   It’s here; here that I have found a bit of hope that there is actually a place I fit, that I am not so alone or isolated. I have met people here that I feel that I will be friends with for a long time to come.  I know some of us might just be ships passing in the night, but I still feel that it was important that we all met in this room. 

The bond that comes through shared experience is a real one.  It binds us together and it makes us stronger for having known one another.

Don’t put to much pressure on your self.  As we learned in dialectics, or I guess will learn for some of you, we are all doing the best that we can. As of right now take comfort in the knowledge that you’ll get better the more you practice; the more you learn.  Don’t hold yourself up in comparison to other people.  We are all on different parts of the journey to recovery and we all learn at different rates and in different ways. 

The status of our mental health is not a life sentence.  Yes there is so much out there that creates stigma, and much of our society is socialized in ways that creates an us and them mentality and tells us all that we who struggle with our mental health have something to be ashamed of. 

I think we need to stop looking at our diagnoses as such horrible things.  We live in a world that teaches us all to think one way, and we have an advantage that sets us a part.  We think in a different way, we see things others don’t, and at times it seems that that puts us at a disadvantage.  But once we have the tools to deal with a world that doesn’t see things the way we do, it’s us that will have an edge

You see, we will be able to see what they do, but they will never be able to see what we can.  They’re missing out on so much that the human experience can offer, they can try and get it, and some of them might get it a bit, but it will be very superficial.  They will never truly understand what they’re missing out on by being able to see things through another perspective.  There are diamonds in the rough here, and we can all accomplish amazing things if we want to, and if we can let ourselves do it.

People say that people with BPD lack compassion and empathy, but I know this to be false.  There are levels of compassion in this room that go far beyond what I have seen from people who are neurotypical. Remember that if you encounter anyone who puts you down because of who you are.  We’re not the one’s perpetuating the stigma. 

Right here, right now, many of us are fighting to keep our heads above the water.  This doesn’t make us weak, because most people? Most people don’t have to fight like we have had to.  This makes us survivors; this makes us stronger, and together? Together we can stop treading water and build a bloody yacht.

I will miss all of you, and good luck.

Beginning to Deal (with Abandonment)

So there’s a very appropriate topic going on over the BPDChat hash tag on twitter today. It’s a very appropriate topic for me this week, because of what challenges face me.  Today the chat is all about a fear of abandonment, what is it that makes those of us with BPD fear abandonment, so much so that it controls a lot of what we do?

Retrieved from:  http://unresolvedabandonment.com

Well the typical answer for this, is that most people with BPD tend to grow up in abusive and invalidating environments.  So a question arose from someone else in the chat from someone who was neurotypical and trying to understand, and the question was, well so was I, but I don’t have this. 

It really isn’t just about how we grow up, now I admit that is a rather large part, at least for me.  But biosocial theory suggests that there’s a biological aspect as well.  Basically to sum it up that it’s a combination of our brains being wired differently, and our experiences that trigger the BPD from manifesting.  

I hope that might help people understand. 

Now, onto the next part.  David?  Why is this so relevant for you this week? 

<s>Because I talk in the third person and am fearful that people will abandon me for that. Becaise I would. </s> <-- Bad joke is bad.

Well I haven’t really talked a lot about the treatment program I am currently in on here.  The clinic is called ‘Bridge to Recovery’ it’s not an actual DBT program, it’s a bit more and less then that.  Bridge to Recovery works as a temporary bridging program, and realizes that many people can actually benefit from certain skills whether they’re CBT or DBT skills, and works with a lot of different people with different diagnoses.

Specifically for DBT, it’s a program that realizes the waiting lists for the actual program is too long.  So it gives people with BPD and Borderline tendencies a crash course in DBT skills.  In fact it’s only an 8 week long program, with a 4 week refresher course.  So all in all, I’m only in this program for three months. 

The end of the first 8 course is coming to an end this week.  My last session with my therapy group is on Thursday, I will stop meeting with my therapist there, and will begin to see the new one I got through my general practitioner until I am called up for the year long and proper DBT program. 

I am both angry and scared for Thursday and am having a lot of trouble with the idea that it’s coming to an end.  For the first time in my life I am finding something that’s actually helping and it’s ending before it really just started to help. 

So first step here is that I really need to validate those feelings, and isolate the intial emotional response; which in this case is fear.  Specifically this is about a fear of being abandoned. This emotion is real, it’s not imagined, it’s not fake, it’s very much true. 

So how do we deal with it?  Well I guess this is an attempt to use my skills. I approach this in a different way; I realize that this is just a beginning in my journey to self-recovery and that these people who helped me on this leg are not abandoning me.  Rather, they’re letting me go to move on to the next step.  They did all they could for me and now I need to move to the next step. 

The next step being working with an individual therapist, together we’re going to do some DBT as well as trauma therapy until I get into the group session which should happen sometime before March. 

I think it’s important that I actually start realizing how much I allow my fear of abandonment control me.  It’s not just about intimate relationships, where my mind goes immediately when I think about this, but in other aspects of my life, in regards to treatment, friends and family relationships. Not to mention about choosing not to get involved in things I enjoy in the community. 

All or our emotions and thoughts are a part of us.  We can learn from them, learn about ourselves, our disorder(s), other people and our surroundings, if we don’t let them control us. 

I know I have a handle on this, and I know there’s people to support me if my grip isn’t that tight. 

Borderline Stigma

Retrieved from "...But She's Crazy" 

So I am having a lot of trouble finding peers in the fact that I can’t seem to find many men with BPD.  Almost every thread I look at is horribly out of date, and if you do a search for Men and BPD in the same line, inevitably you come up with one certain type of article. 

The articles vary in length and in level of literacy.  At first glance some seem well though out and researched until it gets into the meat of the topic.  Essentially it all boils down to these few personality traits, that all of us with BPD tend to share.  

• Manipulative.
• Tendency to lie for attention.
• Vengeful.
• Sadistic/Masochistic.
• Abusive.
• No Empathy.
• Untreatable
• Good in bed.

The rest could almost be tolerable, if it wasn’t for the last one.  Some of these posts have blatantly stated that if they good put up with the crazy they’ll have some awesome sex for a while, but it’s generally not worth the trouble of dealing with the insanity. 

Some of these articles even seem to be well written, until the bias for their research comes through loud and clearly with misogynist bull shit.  Where they cite a reference that in itself is either poorly researched, dated and/or it actually invalidates pretty much all of their points except the one they try to prove with that citation.  

For instance, there are a lot of articles out there that say BPD is more prevalent in women.  Most researchers would disagree with that, but I suppose it is contested territory.  However, after basically saying that women with BPD are untreatable and men should just stay away from them, they mention it’s more prevalent in women, link to an article that proves them ‘right.’ At the same time, the same article actually tends to invalidate everything else they’re saying.

It would be nice if people actually read their sources. 

Now I think talking about dating someone with BPD is something that people should be able to talk about.  If you can’t deal with someone with this disorder, then you shouldn’t be in their/our lives, but if you do really care for someone who has BPD or Borderline Tendencies, educate yourself.  I have said this before. 

BPD is treatable; it’s not a life sentence. People with BPD can be some of the most interesting people you ever meet, or they could be so boring you want to scratch out you’re eyes.   We are as diverse as any other population of people.  However, we think and feel differently from most people, but this doesn’t make us unapproachable.  Now there’s no cure for BPD, but there really isn’t a cure for any mental illness, but there are skills and tools that we can learn to help us adjust to living in a world that doesn’t operate on quite the same emotional wavelength as we do. 

By treating us like we’re monsters though, you’re just making the problem worse. These ‘PSA’s about people with BPD is feeding into a system of oppression that socializes people in such a way that just creates more people with this problem.  And please, the next time you want to call us unempathetic and untreatable, search for the hashtag #BPDfriends on twitter and take a look at how supportive we actually are to one another.  There is no lack of empathy or compassion there.

Also, read up on biosocial theory and dialectical behavioural therapy.  People who actually educate themselves on the issues before ranting about them are in such short supply these days. Even just reading the Wiki pages is a good starting point. 

The Guy With BPD

So very few people have been reading my blog since the very beginning, but over the course of the last couple of years I have learned a lot, and the scope of what I started out writing about has changed.

‘No More Skittles’ was a title that was born out of an old nickname.   The person I was when I had that moniker no longer exists, or rather has changed so much, and grown out of the name.   I didn’t name my blog because I hated the person I was then, but rather to note the extreme changes that have been made not only in my life, but in me as a person.

thatonerule.com

Well now has come the time for another change, and for the official start of a new chapter in my life that actually started last March.  I have decided to change the name of my blog to reflect the current path I’m on. 

Now the path I am on is still a journey in recovery and healing, and I struggle with it everyday.  But things have changed in the last 8 months, I have changed.  See, it all started out because I had ‘depression’ every doctor I ever had told me this, and kept putting me on anti-depressants, and none of them were working.   Sure there would be a brief placebo effect, because I wanted them to work so bad, but in the end they didn’t help.

Well I was undiagnosed with depression, and started learn about a whole new disorder.  If you’re just reading for the first time, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, otherwise referred to ‘BPD’.  I have learned so much about my disorder and about myself in the past eight months, that I wanted to change my name to reflect the person who I am. 

My blog is now titled ‘The Guy With BPD’. It’s not that original I realize this, but it sums up my blog quite succinctly.  In my blog I discuss and name my triggers as I learn about them, so I can be more aware.   I try to write about the skills I am learning about and how I can put them to use in my life. I write about different things that are troublesome for those of us with this disorder, and how we can go about effectively dealing with them. 

I talk about my past, I talk about my future, but most importantly I am talking about my present.  The current moment, what’s happening right here, right now.  Mostly the tone is more of a serious one, but as I am learning and growing I am getting much better at injecting humour into my reality, which I think is important in building a life worth living.

Also, another thing that I think is important, is that for the first time in my life I am trying to create a voice for men.  BPD is a disorder that affects all genders and despite the fact that it’s found in men just as often as in women, men rarely seek out help or treatment.  There is so much stigma attached to this disorder and mental health in general, that needs to be broken down.  Since men are socialized to be protectors, they, or rather we so often don’t want to ask for help.

I feel I need to disclose that I have no desire to take away from the women’s voice, or trans voice, or any other voice in regards to mental health, but I want to add to that choir.  I think we really need to look at how we socialize boys, young men, and men in our culture, and talk about the impacts of that on mental health stigma, and oppression in general.  Which our topics I plan to explore quite a bit in the coming months.

As well, a lot of the male perspectives out there in cyber land in regards to BPD are actually about stigmatizing women with this disorder, they slut shame them talk about how awful they are to date and need to get out of relationships with them as soon as they show signs of this disorder.  I want to change that, and I want people to know that this isn’t just something that affects women. I want people to know that we are not monsters, we just think and feel differently, and we are learning to cope in a world that doesn’t feel or think like we do. 

Anyway, I have touched on a bunch of topics that I plan on talking about, but the main topic at hand here is that things are changing and I’m just trying to keep up.  I look forward to the learning and growing that is ahead of me, I look forward to getting better at the things I already know and I look forward to writing about these things and talking about them with you.  

With much love and solidarity,

David O’Garr

- The Guy With BPD

All About Dad

Today has been a rough day.  I have not been able to get out of emotional mind, I’ve been trying to do opposite to emotion action, distract, or any other tool that I can think of that I’ve learned so far in DBT, but nothing has helped.  I have felt triggered and have been unable to deescalate myself with much success.

Today is my father’s 54^th Birthday. 

I have spoken about my father before, in the post titled “The Perks of being a 17 year old gay boy”, so it really comes to no surprise to anyone that thought about my father are not warm and fuzzy.  It’s actually really hard for me to talk to, or hear about dad’s being good fathers without turning into an emotional mess because of my history with mine. 

This is my dad.  His name is Randy Clark.  He is a hard looking man and he looks like he has lived a hard life.  To which I have to say is somewhat true, I think my father struggled a lot with mental illness, in fact upon reflection I would say that I wouldn’t be too surprised if Randy also had Borderline Personality Disorder.  And although I might be able to come and understand and accept his reality, it doesn’t mean I need to have a relationship with this man.  In fact, it doesn’t even mean that I have to like him.

I debated about putting his picture up, and his name.  But I feel that I have the right to, despite the fact that I have legally changed my name because I no longer wanted to carry his.  This man is very much a part of me, despite how much I don’t want him to be.  He’s a part of me, I feel that I have the right to name him, to take away the power he has over me, and the protection he may have from anonymity.

I have so much I want to say to him, that I want to say out of anger.  And I’m going to come out and say them here.  I generally don’t like to throw around the word hate, I feel it so often gets misused in our society when people simply mean to say they dislike something, or it makes them uncomfortable.  It does not however, pain me to say, that I hate this man.  I hate everything he is, everything he did, and everything he represents to me.

I hate that he has been abusive to me, my mother, and every partner he’s ever had.  I have watched him how he treats people, and my biggest fear is that I am destined to become him. 

My father is pretty adept at a thing called gas-lighting, it’s where he will do one thing and then turn around the next day and tell you that it never happened.  In fact, he had convinced one of his partners that she was absolutely crazy and she checked herself into the hospital because of it.  I’ve also heard his partners tell me that they deserved to pushed around be him. 

As much as I want to do something to help the people that have fallen victim to my father, there is only so much I can do, when there is so many people in his life that are enabling the abusive behaviour that he has carried on with all of his life.

The thing that I am struggling with the most is that all the history with my father is staying with me.  I have yet to figure out a way to deal with it and put it behind me.  Radical acceptance is suppose to help me with this, as it teaches us that acceptance does not mean support for the behaviour.  For example, just because I accept that my father did all sorts of horrible things to me, does not mean that I think what he did is okay. 

My father has had to live his entire life without consequences, he’s never lived on his own, he’s never truly had to support himself, he’s always had a safety net.

So I suppose that on his 54^th birthday, I hope that my father finally has to live and accept the consequences of his behaviour.  I hope that in the coming year he gets everything that he deserves.  

I have to admit that I can’t say that I am not saying any of this out of spite, I am too close not to have some sort of bias.  But I do not wish him ill, I just wish that he will have to finally have to deal with the consequences of his actions.

And most of all,. I really hope that I can start to let this go. 

Thinking Dialectically

There is so much freedom in clarity.
Image retrieved from:  Freedom Counseling Center
I am not sure who they are, but I like the picture.

Have you ever had a moment of clarity? 

A moment when you learned something that really just made everything click into place? 

I had one of those today, and it’s about really explaining how differently it is that I think from other people.  It explains my jumps from hyper rationality to hyper emotional.  More so then the mindfulness lessons did, although I totally understand why they’re a precursor to this. 

Now, I’m not saying here that I am a super special unique snowflake unicorn or anything.   I mean, of course I am a super special unique snowflake unicorn, but that’s really not the point.   I think a lot of people can lean towards this style of thinking at point or another, but I don’t think a lot of people understand how moderately they do so compared to some.  

So I learned a lot in group therapy today, and in the end I am incredibly glad I went.  Because I almost skipped it.  I was having a marvelous day being cozy in my flannel PJs. I was sitting outside on the balcony with a wonderful cup of Assam (a type of black tea) and reading. 

Truly it was a glorious morning. 

But I pushed myself out of the apartment, I showered and got dressed, I headed down to timmies* for my obligatory tea and a muffin, and I went to group. 

I am glad, because today we learned all about dialectical thinking, what it means, and how it is helpful. 

So what does it mean? 

Well that’s still a really good question, I don’t feel I can do the explanation justice, but I sure am going to try.  I know I’ll eventually be able to run DBT’s myself, because by the time I am finished with this group, and the next group I have to do, I’m going to know these things inside and out.  I’ll be able to explain it as well as Marsha Linehan, the creator of DBT, eventually. 

So let’s back up for a second here.  That last paragraph you just read?  That’s dialectical thinking.  At the beginning of writing it I caught myself in a judgment; which was that I wasn’t going to be able to explain this clearly to you. So I corrected that judgment, understanding my limitations at the present moment, and knowing that I am going to try and learn everything I can so eventually I’ll be so proficient at it that I will be able to teach it.  

I have to say that I think I explained it pretty well, and I look forward to many future dialogues and debates about this topic.  I think it’s pretty cool that DBT is making me excited to learn again.  It’s the type of education that I have always appreciated, it’s teaching me how to think, now what to think, and I can’t tell you how refreshing that is. 

Plus?  I'm kind of awesome.   

 

*for all my non-Canadian readers, timmies, is a colloquial term for Tim Horton’s which is a coffee/donut shop, that has surprisingly good tea.

Dating (or not) With BPD

There is nothing more on this Earth that scares me more just as much as I crave it, as love. 

Love is scary and I have shielded myself from it the best that I can my entire dating life. By being an absolute asshole, by allowing myself to gain weight so no one finds me desirable. By pulling/pushing away. So many ways to do it and I have done them all.   Since I have started on this journey of self healing, I have found a new way.  However, it was not intentional.

The truth. 

Now one might argue that that shouldn't be the case, but I suppose it’s more in the delivery then the content of it.  I mean seriously, what would you do if you found out someone you were interested in had a personality disorder, couldn't regulate their emotional responses and was on a waiting list for some pretty intense therapy?

That's some pretty intense and intimidating information. 

So I started being really upfront about what I am going through, because I felt I needed to.  I needed to say, “This is who I am, I am not well, and I am working my ass off to get better.   My life is a right mess right now, and if you’re interested in me, you better know all of this, because I can’t help but feel everything to the nth degree.”

This wasn't to warn someone, more then it was to shield myself.  I wanted the guys that weren't prepared for this sort of thing to run away and not talk to me.  I would prefer to be insulted upfront then to become emotionally invested in someone only to have them realize they can’t handle me. 

The problem is, is that this isn't what happened.  I have used this tactic exactly three times, and exactly three times I got the same lip service. They say all the right thing, they woo me; make me come out of my shell thinking that this time it will be different.  This time I have found someone who can deal with all of me.  The irrational, emotional, melodramatic me. 

I’m not saying that I’m a horrible person and I have nothing to offer in a relationship, in my more depressed moments I think this, but to be honest I don’t even believe it then.  I’m talented, funny, and intelligent.  I am incredibly compassionate and can be quite charming when I need to be.  I love dogs.  I am a huge foody and would explore the most diverse cuisines this world has to offer.  I like new adventures in old places and old ones in new places, and any combination there of.  I am loving and loyal.  Life around me is rarely boring.  And really there is so much more that I have to offer that I haven’t even discovered yet.

But I’m not able to offer any of that; because right from the get go I’m seen as crazy.  Which I suppose is really more of my own doing then anyone else’s’.  But because these “Nice Guys”™ feel they have to ease their own guilt by showing me a bit of that love and caring that I so crave.  This only ends up getting thrown back in my face when a situation comes along that triggers me; they decide that they can no longer deal when I end up responding to something in a very emotional way and turn it against me. They tune out, they get angry, I get blocked, deleted, and told that I’m “fucking nuts”. Or I get told that they were never interested in dating, just wanted to have sex.   Or some variant of both of those.  

So what is a lonely single boy with BPD to do?

Seriously, someone tell me, because I really don’t know.  

It’s so easy to say that these guys obviously didn't deserve me, but when every single one of my relationships has ended poorly it’s hard not to take that personally.   Really, the common denominator is me. 

But I have to remind myself, that I am not well, I don’t have the skills, I’m not good at interpersonal communication, especially when it comes to conflict where I’ve been triggered. Not to mention my issue with men in general over the abuse I’ve dealt with over the years. 

It makes it very complicated as a man, to date men, when you’re afraid of them.

Anyway, I digress. 

I wish I could come to some sort of witty and insightful conclusion here, that would make everyone who read my block realize that every thing is okay.  That it would break down stigmas, it would heal hearts, and mend bridges.

But the truth is, is that when it comes to love everything is as complicated as hell and the best chance we got is to make sure that we don’t change ourselves to fit our lover’s wants/needs, that we try to maintain boundaries for ourselves, and that we maintain our self respect.  Because if we try our best at doing those, then it’s true, the lovers that run away really aren't worth it.

I’ve used this quotation before on my blog, and I am sure that I will use it again.  I think we all need to be reminded of it sometimes. 

 “I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”  - Marilyn Monroe

A Practice In Mindfulness and Wise Mind

So I started DBT today, or rather the crash course DBT that I am taking that is basically a quick 8 week course on DBT as oppose to the year long program which I am also on the waiting list for.  But this is something to bridge the gap so to speak, which is good, I feel like I am going somewhere, which is appropriate because the clinic is called ‘Bridge to Recovery’. 

ZOMG MY FACE!! IT IS NEKKID!

Last night was not a good night, I was super nervous about going, my stomach was not happy with me, the Ativan did nothing to calm me, I had hard core insomnia, in fact I only got about 2 hours of sleep from 10:30 to 12:30 before I headed out to the session. Oh and because I felt I couldn’t control the situation at all, I got mad at my beard and shaved it off.  Which seems to be something I do when I feel out of control about something; it’s funny because that’s the same logic behind self harm a lot of the times, which I used to do.  But I think this might be a tad bit healthier.  

But I went, despite not wanting to; despite being scared to.   I went.  It felt a little bit odd entering into a room with all women.  I felt like I was infringing upon a women’s space, their space to talk and open up.  It was intimidating for me, because I felt that I was being instantly judged by all the women in the room.  I can’t even tell you why, except the only reason that I felt like I was out of my peer group.

Which is valid, we are socialized to think that we’re separate as men and women.  I need to recognize that these people are my peers, these people also have BPD and that’s something that ties us all together.  There are huge gender issues when it comes to BPD and I want to address those in a later post.  Now is not the time.  But it will come.

So today we talked about mindfulness and I really appreciate the fact that they got up and engaged with us on the topic.  We played a sort of jeopardy game, which was open book, so it was basically an open discussion on what mindfulness is, as oppose to one of the facilitator’s lecturing at us. 

Which I really appreciate because it really helped me feel engaged in the group, but like every group situation I needed to start being mindful.  I tend to take up a lot of space in group discussions, in things like that it’s really easy to talk over people. I did this couple of times, but apologized for it.   Then actually got called on it a bit and had to explain why I was apologizing, since it was my teams turn, it was allowed for me to call out the answer.  The problem was that I drowned some one else out. 

It’s funny, because while discussing and learning about ‘Mindfullness’ I was practicing it at the same time.   So I’m going to go through the ‘what and how to achieve wise mind skills’ and I used them in today’s session.  Applying what I’m learning, while I’m learning it.  I’m going to briefly describe what each skill is, and how I applied it today, or how I didn’t and what I could do in the future to do better. 

First for a bit of context as to what Wise Mind is, so people are not lost.  

There are three states of mind that we all use are labeled ‘emotional’, ‘logical*’ and ‘wise’.  To sum it up quickly take a look at the diagram below.  

ZOMG CONCENTRIC CIRCLE DIAGRAM FTW!

Capslock = Cruise Control to Cool 

The goal is that balancing the two states is really the best way to go to make sure that we take care of ourselves. 

*Also called ‘reasonable’ or ‘rational’ it’s really all the same.

Achieving Wise Mind – What Skills

Observe

This is about really being in the present moment, not letting your mind wonder and being aware of your emotions, urges and sensations as you’re having them, and not just simply reacting.  Allowing yourself to think, and feel, not pushing them away and just letting them happen.  Being aware of outside stimuli and how that’s affecting you too. 

So I talked a bit about this above actually.  I was aware that I was walking into a group of women, I identified how that made me feel, I let myself feel it and didn’t push it away.   I was aware of the sounds in the room, things that were bothering me, but not reacting to them like I normally would, as these were things that weren’t really controllable, but also allowing myself to feel that irritation. 

Describe

This is about putting the words to what you’re feeling, describing what you’re feeling and seeing and doing this without interpretation. 

For example, I felt scared anxious, guilty and frustrated. There was someone sitting at the table who didn’t close their coke bottle all the way and the CO₂ was hissing as it escaped.   The chairs were a bit uncomfortable.  I felt tired.

Participate

This is about throwing yourself into the moment, letting your self experience the emotions without being self-conscious; so in other words validating your emotions and letting yourself experience them without guilt.  Or if there is guilt about what you’re feeling, validating that to and what that means; balancing reason with emotion, to use ‘WISE MIND’. 

So I did this successfully, I engaged in the discussions despite it being my first time.  I answered questions brought up thoughtful points.  I allowed my nerves to fuel me in my participation as oppose to letting them shut me down.  I fully experienced the moment.

Achieving Wise Mind – How Skills

Don’t Judge

So this is pretty self-explanatory, but I think anyone who’s taken problem solving workshops or conflict resolution, will recognize parts here.  So it’s about acknowledging the harmful, and the helpful but not putting that on the other person.  Replacing statements that are harmful about the person and making them about you instead, using ‘I Statements’ i.e. “You’re a Jerk’ into ‘I feel Mad when you do that.’

Of course, we can’t not judge, that’s human nature, and we have to recognize how these things make us feel.  It’s not always the time or place to air your judgmental thoughts.  This is where I fell down a bit today, because I felt an activity that they had us do was not explained well.  It’s an activity I have done before in Improv in high school, and I really felt it was poorly executed because it wasn’t explained well, and I spoke up and said that.   

Even though I recognized it to be true, I feel like the session they did today was a break in what they usually do and I hope I didn’t make the facilitators feel inadequate.  Which rationally, I don’t think I did, I mean they’re trained in treating people with BPD, I’m sure they’ve heard a lot worse.  But that doesn’t make it any less of a judgment. 

I think recognizing this is important, because as a whole I tend to make very snap judgments about people and tend to air those judgments or let them colour my entire experience with the person.  I also tend to do a lot of judgments on myself, which might make me hold off sometimes.  So this is something I really need to work on being mindful about.  

Stay Focused

Stay in the present; concentrate on your mind and not getting lost in the past, or the future.  If your mind strays the goal is to being yourself back.  Experience what’s happening now and don’t place the baggage of the past or the expectations for the future on what you’re doing now.   Do one thing at a time, don’t get caught up in everything that needs to happen.  If it seems chaotic, go through it mehodically insteady of going in everywhere with it. 

To sum it up.  Focus on one step at a time, and experience that step for all that it’s worth.

Honestly, I am not sure how I really applied this today.  I stayed engaged, so I think that that counts.

Do What Works

Play by the roles, don’t let emotions control you, use your skills, do what you need to succeed and let go of what doesn’t work. 

So letting go of the baggage, the anxiety, the frustration of not being in control; or rather realizing that I still am in control just not in the way I usually am.  I am not the expert here and that’s okay. Although I control how my treatment goes, and I can only do the best that I can.   I shouldn’t be afraid of getting better.

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That was the first session, summed up in the skills we learned today.  I have homework of course, which I think I sort of just did.  I am thinking I should give my therapist a link to my blog. I also found how much of this I was able to relate back to doing improv in high school, I think adding in some drama therapy to DBT might be interesting, and it order. 

Also, I think I made a friend today! Yay.  Maybe this group therapy doesn’t have to be stressful.  It was cool to relate to someone who has BPD and ADD as well.

More to come on Thursday after my next session!  

Accepting Radically?

So I've been having a lot of trouble writing lately.  Which isn't new, I tend to go up and down.  I promise myself that I am going to make the effort so I can keep my blog updated, but I end up just getting triggered and shut down.  I can't count how many times I've tried to write an entry, but it just comes out a garbled mess and I delete it.

There's the big question?  How do you write about your experiences, especially current ones; expieriences and issues that you're trying to address so you can get over them, without shutting down from triggering yourself.

Webster's Falls in Hamilton - Just because I love this place.
Photo credit: http://bit.ly/SFURJO

So my psychiatrist has mentioned to me that Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) is about dealing with the present, and not so much with the past.  I don't compeletely understand how you can really do that, especially if it's past issues that are getting in the way of relationships or success in the here and now. I am sure I will come to understand it when I start DBT though, which is actually going to be next week.  Well, sort of anyway, I'm taking an 8 week crash course DBT group on coping skills, at this clinic in Hamilton, since the waiting list for the DBT list, which I am FINALLY on is 7 months long.

There's a few topics I want to tackle over the next little while, but I think I am going to try and write about the skills as I'm learning them.  Everyone I talk to seems that Radical Acceptence is going to be the most needed and difficult one for me.  From what I know about it right now I'd have to agree.  In fact, I've been a bit afraid to read a lot into it.

It's funny, I wrote this entire entry here, about something that I felt I needed to talk about.  I was feeling guilt and shame in regards to these feelings, and was hoping to use this blog to let them go.  I guess sort of a practice in radical acceptance.   But I think I went a little too far, and I may have offended someone.  I hope I didn't, and I don't think I did.  But I kept stressing out about it and had decided to take the blog post down.

Instead of deleting it though, I have decided to edit it.  Not because I don't accept the feelings, but I think sometimes it's okay to not air every single thought and emotion that I'm having.  It's not that I'm bottling it, but I think it's okay to process things sometimes without the input of others.

For example. if I am feeling guilt about something, I think it's important that I recognize why I am feeling that guilt and accept it and let it go. Where I think it's okay to use my blog as a way to process, I need to stop using it as a way to communicate personal feelings I should be processing privately.   Or at least, don't process them in a way that gives anything away or projects something onto someone else.  My healing process shouldn't force someone else to feel stressed out.

So feelings of guilt, shame, stress, all these emotions and feelings that stress us out, how do we deal with that stress?  Well like I said above, you need to recognize and then let it go. Forgive yourself and then if you still feeling a bit agitated.  Do something that makes you smile.

Now I'm not talking about that, make yourself smile and you'll feel happy philosophy, and in fact I find that to be kind of dismissive of people's emotions.  But take the time to do something that just makes you feel happy, relaxed, joy, comfort, love or anything else positive.  Make yourself a cup of tea and read a book.  Bake some muffins. Watch TV or play video games.  All these things make me feel better.   You just need to find what works right for you.

Just don't forget to breathe.