"PFLAG Canada is there when it seems that no one else is."
No matter how long you’ve been out, there is something that
everyone learns very quickly in the Queer Community.
You do NOT mess with PFLAG Moms.
Seriously, because everyone knows that a mom will take anyone to task if they
feel their kids are threatened. But a
PFLAG mom, she’s not just one queer kid’s mom.
No, you see in her eyes and in the eyes of the LGBT community she is EVERY queer kid’s mom.
She has seen what her child has gone through and she NEVER wants to see someone
go through that.
So when SOMEONE (see page 5 and 10) attacks PFLAG and its supporters, well it's not just PFLAG's responsibility to stand up to them. No, these PFLAG Moms were there for us, they are there for us now, they are there for our community and our youth. We need to stand in solidarity with them and make sure that these people know that we will not stand idly by as they use ignorance and bigotry to blast a politician that they don't like, and the organization she was out supporting.
PFLAG of Durham Region has held a Gala fundraiser two years in a row to help support a LGBT youth leadership camp in the summer. This gala was actually spearheaded by own mother, who wanted to run an elegant fundraiser to get everyone in the community out to support this great cause. She wanted to stop always hitting up the LGBT community for it's fundraising efforts, as everyone has a responsibility to end bullying and oppression by inspiring and motivating our youth.
My Mom and I at Toronto Pride 2010
I remember speaking with her about this event, and seeing how excited she was. It was amazing to see how enthusiastic she was about supporting my community. I can't tell you how much that meant to me. To see her enthusiasm quickly rub off on so many others was great to. She is an inspiring woman, and I am glad that she's my mom. The event turned out to be amazing and I am so glad that Oshawa and Durham region came out to support this amazing cause.
To be attacked like they were is shameful. To say that politicians should not be at gay events is shameful. In fact the whole article just makes me cringe.
So as a member of the LGBT or otherwise Queer community, and a former citizen of Durham region, I stand in solidarity with PFLAG Durham and Councillor Amy England, and the other elected officials in attendance that night, who had a bit of fun for a great cause. I would ask that you do too.
So some of you may remember that I wrote a blog post called 'You' a few months back. Well that blog post caught the eye of a good friends of mine who works for a Magazine called Tusaayaksat which is a news and culture magazine in Arctic Canada. She decided to publish it.
This hits stands today, so I am finally allowed to share this.
Published in Tusaayaksat which is published by the Inuvialuit Communications Society, Inuvik NWT, Canada
M is gonna send me some print copies tomorrow, I'm so incredibly proud of myself right now, and I want to thank all the amazing people who helped make it happen. So thank you guys, from the bottom of my heart, you have helped show me that I am more talented then even I thought. Thank you for believing in me.
Also, I still think this is a really important message, so please share far and wide!
As a man, you have no right to joke about menstruation. Seriously. If you have not gone through this bodily function then stop joking about this.
Menstruation is a bodily function. As I understand it, it's not a fun one, but one that happens every month. Telling another man that you hope their 'flow slows down' because they are irritating you is incredibly offensive. As if the only reason someone could be irritated with you is because they're hormonal.
We are socialized and brought up in such a way, still, in 2012 to think that women are irrational and hysterical, especially during their period. We, men, constantly treat them and their bodies like they're something there for our amusement. They are not, they are there for their (women) lives.
It is not something that we are allowed to laugh and mock. If women want to do it, it's their right to do so, it is not our place as men to mock their bodies, especially when there is so much of our own that deserve mocking.
Seriously though, if someone is irritated or annoyed with you, maybe you should take a look at yourself as oppose to casting blame to the other person.
It's something that a lot
of us tend to shy away from. We're
scared of it when we really shouldn't be.
We are raised in a way that
teaches us to never strive much beyond the status quo. We tend to bottle up the things that bother
us. We never bring them up. We never cause a scene. We keep on following this path to mediocrity,
but it doesn't lead us where we want to go. It’s a
flawed system.
Conflict promotes change
and change is really one of the only things the human race is best at.
As Max Lucado said, “Conflict is inevitable but combat is optional.” So, this isn't about
throwing punches, but it is about standing up for yourself. Planting your feet and saying, 'No, this
isn't right.' This is about questioning
authority and working towards what's rightfully yours.
But maybe you're wrong. That's okay. The very challenge you made helps you and the
other learn something. You’ve learned why you were wrong and learned a new perspective. They learned that you have convictions and, maybe,
they learned that they need to be clearer with their words and thoughts too.
Conflict isn't just about
winning or being right, it’s aboutlearning.
This is why my best friends are not afraid to call me on my shit. If you do things in a way that doesn't
dismiss the other persons feelings or concerns, and teach them about another perspective
then it’s good. It’s healthy conflict. I have a few friends that are particularly
adept at telling me to shut up and help me understand at the same time.
Conflict doesn't need to be this big scary thing. It pushes us to change and to learn. We can't grow as people, or in our
relationships, if we don’t have conflict. Things
can't always stay the same.
Overall, there needs to be balance too. As necessary as conflict is, so is the peace,
the quiet, the fun and loving moments you spend with one another. I am not questioning that. But, if you can't fight well with someone,
then the playing time will get real boring real fast.
I decided my blog needed a couple of features in order to keep me posting. So welcome to 'Song of the Now' where I'm going to post songs that in that moment mean something to me, for one reason or another.
I think this one's quite obvious as to what it means to me. But I needed to remind myself of this today;
“This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, somg go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up becuase if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.”
- Marilyn Monroe
This one is for all my 'sisters' the girls and women in my life who are so adept at helping me put the pieces back together I'm not sure I could even fall apart if I wanted to. Which lately, I've been wanting too.
I just need to stay positive, I need to keep trying, and I need to keep my head high.
Marilyn, you were so far ahead of your time, you are sorely missed from this world.
I want to talk about letting down your guard. Breaking down those metaphorical walls that
you put up to protect yourself. I want
to talk about them, because I have learned something. I have learned that it’s not a good idea to
just tear them down.
No, they need to come down brick by brick or you’re going to be buried by the
rubble.
I recently had someone in my life who I fell absolutely head over heels
with. He said all the right things, he
had the most amazing soulful brown eyes, he listened, he really listened. He showed me so much compassion and he told
me these wonderful stories about naming infants and children infected with HIV
in Brazil, in orphanages that wouldn’t name them because they were just going
to die.
He was perfect for me, he was compassionate, he volunteered, he knew all the
right things about all of the things that I cared about - that I was passionate
about. He was tender and loving, and
those are qualities I’m not used to seeing in men.
He was a little rough around the edges too, gruff and a bit unfinished, but I
really liked that about him.
He had my walls completely down within a month of knowing him. He knew things about me that I have had
trouble talking about with some of my closest friends. I talked to him about the sexual and physical
abuse I went through. I talked to him
about how I used to do sex work, and that while it wasn’t right for me at that
time, it’s still something I respect and I stand in solidarity with the men and
women working in the industry. I talked to him about my childhood, my
relationship with my mother, my depression.
Everything, I completely opened myself up to him.
Now it wasn’t one sided, but it wasn’t as free flowing from his side as it was
from mine I’m not going to share what he
shared with me, because that’s not my story to tell. That’s his, and his alone.
You would think that that would be a sign of trust, a bond would form.
Except it wasn’t and I think it was part of why it to fall apart so
spectacularly. You see, after I opened
up to him, after I basically told him everything there was to know about my
history, I became more insecure.
Should I have told him that? Should I
have mentioned this? Maybe I talked
about that too soon? Do you think this
bothers him and he’s just not saying anything?
No matter what else he said to make me relax, I never did. I worried about where things were going, I
overanalyzed everything - more so then I already do. It became so intense for me that I could
barely handle it. Enough so that I had
a couple of friends say, “David, you really need to back away from this or this
is going to be very messy.”
And messy it was, I probably now have even more trust issues. I still can’t
stop thinking about him eight months later, even though I’ve tried
everything. I flip flop from hating him
to being understanding about what happened, and wishing nothing but the best
for him.
Everything happens for a reason though right?
Well I learned that even though a guy says all the right things, that maybe
it’s a good idea to not be a complete open book. Let him read and savour the book, so he can
really appreciate it.
I learned a lot more from him too, he helped give me a different perspective on
money and getting your education, things I’m going to put into practice. Taught me that I don’t have to indulge in all
of the things I enjoy to find happiness, that I really should stop living
beyond my means.
Because of the entire mess of it, and how it left me, I started seeking
treatment. I’ve been on an antidepressant
now that’s really helped, and I go for my psychotherapy consult in March. It’s about time that I did this.
So one day, I really hope that I can become friends with him, and I hope that
I’ll be able to talk with him and work things out in the near future with him
in an honest dialogue, but I need to stop holding my breath for that to
happen. Easier said then done, that’s
for sure. I also know, that being
friends with him right now is absolutely impossible for me, I’m not naïve, I
have a lot more healing to do and I’m still too messed up about him to jump in
that train wreck waiting to happen.
So although this started as a ‘be careful how you let your walls down’ post, I
think this is actually more about being honest with yourself. Listen to the cues your body is giving you,
if you’re feeling anxious every time he’s around or you talk about him, maybe
you should step back a little. I know
it’s a fine line, I mean we should all get butterflies when we talk to the
people we love, but it shouldn’t be to the point where it stresses you
out.
Also, you need to take care of yourself.
Get treatment. That may or may
not include medication, everyone is different.
Everyone’s treatment plan should be different too.
I learned this the hard way so maybe you don’t have too.
Say what you want, but to me, she’s one of the most
incredible artists in this generation. She truly sings from her soul, you can tell,
you know, that she’s been here. She
makes you feel the pain behind her words.
She makes you smirk with the sassiness in some of her lyrics too.
She doesn’t just impress a sadness upon you. It’s more then that. She makes you feel the sad, but reminds you
that there’s good that comes with the bad, and there’s silver linings in
everything. Even if that silver lining
is an angry rant, to celebrate how good it feels after just releasing that
anger.
Her music speaks to me in a way that very few have in the past.
Sometimes though, some of her lyrics hit you like a ton of
bricks. Some of her lyrics just make you
want to lay in bed and cry yourself to sleep.
In this I speak of the song ‘Someone Like You’.
If you haven’t heard it, please, have a listen.
Never mind, I'll find someone
like you I wish nothing but the best for
you, too Don't forget me, I
begged, I remember you said Sometimes it lasts in love, but
sometimes it hurts instead
That in particular hits me the hardest.
Now if you’ve actually read more then one or two entries in
my blog, you’ll have seen that I have fairly recently when through a break up,
that for me was really messy. For him, I don’t actually know how it was for
him, I wish I did, I wish I could know.
But I don’t think he’ll ever talk to me again.
I don’t think this is a bad thing.
He wasn’t good for me, at least not at this point in my
life. I think if it had been another
time, another place, our temp… yeah, sorry, I totally just about quoted RENT there
by accident. But I digress, he came
along at a time when I was feeling pretty vulnerable. My depression was probably at its worst since
my very early 20’s. I was a right
mess.
I felt that someone cared for me, I felt compassion, and I
fell. I fell to hard and too fast, and
he at this point in his life was really just looking for something casual. Which, no matter what I told myself, is something
that I just am not capable of and I don’t think I ever will be. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with
knowing that either.
In the end though, I came on too strong, and he was
completely and utterly emotionally unavailable at this point in his life. Sure, that’s his shit, but I had my own shit
too, and I have to own up to that.
I’m not going to get into the how and why it ended, I think
it was just that our baggage, at this point, was not compatible with the other’s
and it had to be over or it was going to explode. Which it kind of did, but I think if it had
gone much further it probably would have been a lot worse.
The reason why Adele’s song is applicable to this is because
I really do want someone like him. He is
a strong and beautiful man. He had shown
me a level of compassion and tenderness I never actually thought was possible
to come from another man. He was sweet
and kind to me, and that is why I fell so hard and so fast.
I’m not trying to put him on a pedestal either. Don’t get me wrong, he had his faults
too. He was emotionally unavailable and
flaky as all hell. But he actually made me realize that I deserve better. That I deserve to be treated with dignity and
respect.
He really is the first man that has ever made me feel that
way. I think that’s why it hurt so much
when it ended, but I think he came along to really teach me that lesson. Even if the class was so short, the lesson is
very long lasting. So for that I thank
him.
What hurts the most about it now, is that at the end of it
all, I really just felt like I was being cast aside, that he wanted nothing to
do with me and just wanted to forget. It
hurt, because I know I deserve better then what he did, and it’s ironic because
like I said, he’s the one who taught me that.
I do not wish him any ill will, in fact, I hope that
everything he wants and dreams of comes to him.
I really do wish that some day that I will find someone like him. It might have really hurt this time, but I think this time, it taught me that I can find the one that lasts. Thank you MT for teaching me that.
P.S. And thank you Adele, for helping me sort it out
