Thinking Dialectically

There is so much freedom in clarity.
Image retrieved from:  Freedom Counseling Center
I am not sure who they are, but I like the picture.

Have you ever had a moment of clarity? 

A moment when you learned something that really just made everything click into place? 

I had one of those today, and it’s about really explaining how differently it is that I think from other people.  It explains my jumps from hyper rationality to hyper emotional.  More so then the mindfulness lessons did, although I totally understand why they’re a precursor to this. 

Now, I’m not saying here that I am a super special unique snowflake unicorn or anything.   I mean, of course I am a super special unique snowflake unicorn, but that’s really not the point.   I think a lot of people can lean towards this style of thinking at point or another, but I don’t think a lot of people understand how moderately they do so compared to some.  

So I learned a lot in group therapy today, and in the end I am incredibly glad I went.  Because I almost skipped it.  I was having a marvelous day being cozy in my flannel PJs. I was sitting outside on the balcony with a wonderful cup of Assam (a type of black tea) and reading. 

Truly it was a glorious morning. 

But I pushed myself out of the apartment, I showered and got dressed, I headed down to timmies* for my obligatory tea and a muffin, and I went to group. 

I am glad, because today we learned all about dialectical thinking, what it means, and how it is helpful. 

So what does it mean? 

Well that’s still a really good question, I don’t feel I can do the explanation justice, but I sure am going to try.  I know I’ll eventually be able to run DBT’s myself, because by the time I am finished with this group, and the next group I have to do, I’m going to know these things inside and out.  I’ll be able to explain it as well as Marsha Linehan, the creator of DBT, eventually. 

So let’s back up for a second here.  That last paragraph you just read?  That’s dialectical thinking.  At the beginning of writing it I caught myself in a judgment; which was that I wasn’t going to be able to explain this clearly to you. So I corrected that judgment, understanding my limitations at the present moment, and knowing that I am going to try and learn everything I can so eventually I’ll be so proficient at it that I will be able to teach it.  

I have to say that I think I explained it pretty well, and I look forward to many future dialogues and debates about this topic.  I think it’s pretty cool that DBT is making me excited to learn again.  It’s the type of education that I have always appreciated, it’s teaching me how to think, now what to think, and I can’t tell you how refreshing that is. 

Plus?  I'm kind of awesome.   

 

*for all my non-Canadian readers, timmies, is a colloquial term for Tim Horton’s which is a coffee/donut shop, that has surprisingly good tea.

Dating (or not) With BPD

There is nothing more on this Earth that scares me more just as much as I crave it, as love. 

Love is scary and I have shielded myself from it the best that I can my entire dating life. By being an absolute asshole, by allowing myself to gain weight so no one finds me desirable. By pulling/pushing away. So many ways to do it and I have done them all.   Since I have started on this journey of self healing, I have found a new way.  However, it was not intentional.

The truth. 

Now one might argue that that shouldn't be the case, but I suppose it’s more in the delivery then the content of it.  I mean seriously, what would you do if you found out someone you were interested in had a personality disorder, couldn't regulate their emotional responses and was on a waiting list for some pretty intense therapy?

That's some pretty intense and intimidating information. 

So I started being really upfront about what I am going through, because I felt I needed to.  I needed to say, “This is who I am, I am not well, and I am working my ass off to get better.   My life is a right mess right now, and if you’re interested in me, you better know all of this, because I can’t help but feel everything to the nth degree.”

This wasn't to warn someone, more then it was to shield myself.  I wanted the guys that weren't prepared for this sort of thing to run away and not talk to me.  I would prefer to be insulted upfront then to become emotionally invested in someone only to have them realize they can’t handle me. 

The problem is, is that this isn't what happened.  I have used this tactic exactly three times, and exactly three times I got the same lip service. They say all the right thing, they woo me; make me come out of my shell thinking that this time it will be different.  This time I have found someone who can deal with all of me.  The irrational, emotional, melodramatic me. 

I’m not saying that I’m a horrible person and I have nothing to offer in a relationship, in my more depressed moments I think this, but to be honest I don’t even believe it then.  I’m talented, funny, and intelligent.  I am incredibly compassionate and can be quite charming when I need to be.  I love dogs.  I am a huge foody and would explore the most diverse cuisines this world has to offer.  I like new adventures in old places and old ones in new places, and any combination there of.  I am loving and loyal.  Life around me is rarely boring.  And really there is so much more that I have to offer that I haven’t even discovered yet.

But I’m not able to offer any of that; because right from the get go I’m seen as crazy.  Which I suppose is really more of my own doing then anyone else’s’.  But because these “Nice Guys”™ feel they have to ease their own guilt by showing me a bit of that love and caring that I so crave.  This only ends up getting thrown back in my face when a situation comes along that triggers me; they decide that they can no longer deal when I end up responding to something in a very emotional way and turn it against me. They tune out, they get angry, I get blocked, deleted, and told that I’m “fucking nuts”. Or I get told that they were never interested in dating, just wanted to have sex.   Or some variant of both of those.  

So what is a lonely single boy with BPD to do?

Seriously, someone tell me, because I really don’t know.  

It’s so easy to say that these guys obviously didn't deserve me, but when every single one of my relationships has ended poorly it’s hard not to take that personally.   Really, the common denominator is me. 

But I have to remind myself, that I am not well, I don’t have the skills, I’m not good at interpersonal communication, especially when it comes to conflict where I’ve been triggered. Not to mention my issue with men in general over the abuse I’ve dealt with over the years. 

It makes it very complicated as a man, to date men, when you’re afraid of them.

Anyway, I digress. 

I wish I could come to some sort of witty and insightful conclusion here, that would make everyone who read my block realize that every thing is okay.  That it would break down stigmas, it would heal hearts, and mend bridges.

But the truth is, is that when it comes to love everything is as complicated as hell and the best chance we got is to make sure that we don’t change ourselves to fit our lover’s wants/needs, that we try to maintain boundaries for ourselves, and that we maintain our self respect.  Because if we try our best at doing those, then it’s true, the lovers that run away really aren't worth it.

I’ve used this quotation before on my blog, and I am sure that I will use it again.  I think we all need to be reminded of it sometimes. 

 “I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”  - Marilyn Monroe

A Practice In Mindfulness and Wise Mind

So I started DBT today, or rather the crash course DBT that I am taking that is basically a quick 8 week course on DBT as oppose to the year long program which I am also on the waiting list for.  But this is something to bridge the gap so to speak, which is good, I feel like I am going somewhere, which is appropriate because the clinic is called ‘Bridge to Recovery’. 

ZOMG MY FACE!! IT IS NEKKID!

Last night was not a good night, I was super nervous about going, my stomach was not happy with me, the Ativan did nothing to calm me, I had hard core insomnia, in fact I only got about 2 hours of sleep from 10:30 to 12:30 before I headed out to the session. Oh and because I felt I couldn’t control the situation at all, I got mad at my beard and shaved it off.  Which seems to be something I do when I feel out of control about something; it’s funny because that’s the same logic behind self harm a lot of the times, which I used to do.  But I think this might be a tad bit healthier.  

But I went, despite not wanting to; despite being scared to.   I went.  It felt a little bit odd entering into a room with all women.  I felt like I was infringing upon a women’s space, their space to talk and open up.  It was intimidating for me, because I felt that I was being instantly judged by all the women in the room.  I can’t even tell you why, except the only reason that I felt like I was out of my peer group.

Which is valid, we are socialized to think that we’re separate as men and women.  I need to recognize that these people are my peers, these people also have BPD and that’s something that ties us all together.  There are huge gender issues when it comes to BPD and I want to address those in a later post.  Now is not the time.  But it will come.

So today we talked about mindfulness and I really appreciate the fact that they got up and engaged with us on the topic.  We played a sort of jeopardy game, which was open book, so it was basically an open discussion on what mindfulness is, as oppose to one of the facilitator’s lecturing at us. 

Which I really appreciate because it really helped me feel engaged in the group, but like every group situation I needed to start being mindful.  I tend to take up a lot of space in group discussions, in things like that it’s really easy to talk over people. I did this couple of times, but apologized for it.   Then actually got called on it a bit and had to explain why I was apologizing, since it was my teams turn, it was allowed for me to call out the answer.  The problem was that I drowned some one else out. 

It’s funny, because while discussing and learning about ‘Mindfullness’ I was practicing it at the same time.   So I’m going to go through the ‘what and how to achieve wise mind skills’ and I used them in today’s session.  Applying what I’m learning, while I’m learning it.  I’m going to briefly describe what each skill is, and how I applied it today, or how I didn’t and what I could do in the future to do better. 

First for a bit of context as to what Wise Mind is, so people are not lost.  

There are three states of mind that we all use are labeled ‘emotional’, ‘logical*’ and ‘wise’.  To sum it up quickly take a look at the diagram below.  

ZOMG CONCENTRIC CIRCLE DIAGRAM FTW!

Capslock = Cruise Control to Cool 

The goal is that balancing the two states is really the best way to go to make sure that we take care of ourselves. 

*Also called ‘reasonable’ or ‘rational’ it’s really all the same.

Achieving Wise Mind – What Skills

Observe

This is about really being in the present moment, not letting your mind wonder and being aware of your emotions, urges and sensations as you’re having them, and not just simply reacting.  Allowing yourself to think, and feel, not pushing them away and just letting them happen.  Being aware of outside stimuli and how that’s affecting you too. 

So I talked a bit about this above actually.  I was aware that I was walking into a group of women, I identified how that made me feel, I let myself feel it and didn’t push it away.   I was aware of the sounds in the room, things that were bothering me, but not reacting to them like I normally would, as these were things that weren’t really controllable, but also allowing myself to feel that irritation. 

Describe

This is about putting the words to what you’re feeling, describing what you’re feeling and seeing and doing this without interpretation. 

For example, I felt scared anxious, guilty and frustrated. There was someone sitting at the table who didn’t close their coke bottle all the way and the CO₂ was hissing as it escaped.   The chairs were a bit uncomfortable.  I felt tired.

Participate

This is about throwing yourself into the moment, letting your self experience the emotions without being self-conscious; so in other words validating your emotions and letting yourself experience them without guilt.  Or if there is guilt about what you’re feeling, validating that to and what that means; balancing reason with emotion, to use ‘WISE MIND’. 

So I did this successfully, I engaged in the discussions despite it being my first time.  I answered questions brought up thoughtful points.  I allowed my nerves to fuel me in my participation as oppose to letting them shut me down.  I fully experienced the moment.

Achieving Wise Mind – How Skills

Don’t Judge

So this is pretty self-explanatory, but I think anyone who’s taken problem solving workshops or conflict resolution, will recognize parts here.  So it’s about acknowledging the harmful, and the helpful but not putting that on the other person.  Replacing statements that are harmful about the person and making them about you instead, using ‘I Statements’ i.e. “You’re a Jerk’ into ‘I feel Mad when you do that.’

Of course, we can’t not judge, that’s human nature, and we have to recognize how these things make us feel.  It’s not always the time or place to air your judgmental thoughts.  This is where I fell down a bit today, because I felt an activity that they had us do was not explained well.  It’s an activity I have done before in Improv in high school, and I really felt it was poorly executed because it wasn’t explained well, and I spoke up and said that.   

Even though I recognized it to be true, I feel like the session they did today was a break in what they usually do and I hope I didn’t make the facilitators feel inadequate.  Which rationally, I don’t think I did, I mean they’re trained in treating people with BPD, I’m sure they’ve heard a lot worse.  But that doesn’t make it any less of a judgment. 

I think recognizing this is important, because as a whole I tend to make very snap judgments about people and tend to air those judgments or let them colour my entire experience with the person.  I also tend to do a lot of judgments on myself, which might make me hold off sometimes.  So this is something I really need to work on being mindful about.  

Stay Focused

Stay in the present; concentrate on your mind and not getting lost in the past, or the future.  If your mind strays the goal is to being yourself back.  Experience what’s happening now and don’t place the baggage of the past or the expectations for the future on what you’re doing now.   Do one thing at a time, don’t get caught up in everything that needs to happen.  If it seems chaotic, go through it mehodically insteady of going in everywhere with it. 

To sum it up.  Focus on one step at a time, and experience that step for all that it’s worth.

Honestly, I am not sure how I really applied this today.  I stayed engaged, so I think that that counts.

Do What Works

Play by the roles, don’t let emotions control you, use your skills, do what you need to succeed and let go of what doesn’t work. 

So letting go of the baggage, the anxiety, the frustration of not being in control; or rather realizing that I still am in control just not in the way I usually am.  I am not the expert here and that’s okay. Although I control how my treatment goes, and I can only do the best that I can.   I shouldn’t be afraid of getting better.

---

That was the first session, summed up in the skills we learned today.  I have homework of course, which I think I sort of just did.  I am thinking I should give my therapist a link to my blog. I also found how much of this I was able to relate back to doing improv in high school, I think adding in some drama therapy to DBT might be interesting, and it order. 

Also, I think I made a friend today! Yay.  Maybe this group therapy doesn’t have to be stressful.  It was cool to relate to someone who has BPD and ADD as well.

More to come on Thursday after my next session!  

Accepting Radically?

So I've been having a lot of trouble writing lately.  Which isn't new, I tend to go up and down.  I promise myself that I am going to make the effort so I can keep my blog updated, but I end up just getting triggered and shut down.  I can't count how many times I've tried to write an entry, but it just comes out a garbled mess and I delete it.

There's the big question?  How do you write about your experiences, especially current ones; expieriences and issues that you're trying to address so you can get over them, without shutting down from triggering yourself.

Webster's Falls in Hamilton - Just because I love this place.
Photo credit: http://bit.ly/SFURJO

So my psychiatrist has mentioned to me that Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) is about dealing with the present, and not so much with the past.  I don't compeletely understand how you can really do that, especially if it's past issues that are getting in the way of relationships or success in the here and now. I am sure I will come to understand it when I start DBT though, which is actually going to be next week.  Well, sort of anyway, I'm taking an 8 week crash course DBT group on coping skills, at this clinic in Hamilton, since the waiting list for the DBT list, which I am FINALLY on is 7 months long.

There's a few topics I want to tackle over the next little while, but I think I am going to try and write about the skills as I'm learning them.  Everyone I talk to seems that Radical Acceptence is going to be the most needed and difficult one for me.  From what I know about it right now I'd have to agree.  In fact, I've been a bit afraid to read a lot into it.

It's funny, I wrote this entire entry here, about something that I felt I needed to talk about.  I was feeling guilt and shame in regards to these feelings, and was hoping to use this blog to let them go.  I guess sort of a practice in radical acceptance.   But I think I went a little too far, and I may have offended someone.  I hope I didn't, and I don't think I did.  But I kept stressing out about it and had decided to take the blog post down.

Instead of deleting it though, I have decided to edit it.  Not because I don't accept the feelings, but I think sometimes it's okay to not air every single thought and emotion that I'm having.  It's not that I'm bottling it, but I think it's okay to process things sometimes without the input of others.

For example. if I am feeling guilt about something, I think it's important that I recognize why I am feeling that guilt and accept it and let it go. Where I think it's okay to use my blog as a way to process, I need to stop using it as a way to communicate personal feelings I should be processing privately.   Or at least, don't process them in a way that gives anything away or projects something onto someone else.  My healing process shouldn't force someone else to feel stressed out.

So feelings of guilt, shame, stress, all these emotions and feelings that stress us out, how do we deal with that stress?  Well like I said above, you need to recognize and then let it go. Forgive yourself and then if you still feeling a bit agitated.  Do something that makes you smile.

Now I'm not talking about that, make yourself smile and you'll feel happy philosophy, and in fact I find that to be kind of dismissive of people's emotions.  But take the time to do something that just makes you feel happy, relaxed, joy, comfort, love or anything else positive.  Make yourself a cup of tea and read a book.  Bake some muffins. Watch TV or play video games.  All these things make me feel better.   You just need to find what works right for you.

Just don't forget to breathe.

Fear(lessness)

It's  Silk Organic Dragon Jasmine
from David's Tea if anyone 's interested.   

There definitely has to be something said about late night writings with green tea on a balcony.  It just seems so urban, so perfect a pairing.  I think it also means that I’ll be looking for some place with a balcony then I finally make my move to Toronto. 

I want to write about fear and how we allow it to control our actions.  I am no where near where I thought I would be in life.  Honestly if you asked me 15 years ago I’d tell you that I’d be acting, and living in Toronto with my husband and we’d be raising two amazing kids together. 

The view while I write. 

So why is my life no where near that picture?  Well I think a lot of that had to do with fear, and one of my biggest, I was and am so afraid of succeeding that I don’t ever take the risks that would get me there.   Maybe I wouldn’t have all that I have dreamed for had I took all those risks, but I might be closer. 

I look at my friend C. we’re not close, we never particularly were close, but we knew each other from community theatre circles in our home town.   Now when I see her posting about her accomplishments, the shows that she’s in, I’m so proud of her.  She’s made it a lot further then anyone else then I know, and I cannot tell you how proud I am of her. 

But at the same time I’m jealous, however, not resentful.  I know I had the talent, every drama teacher I ever had told me I did.  I had such an incredible range of emotion to draw from that I do have to say I’ve remember performing a couple of times in classes and bringing some of my classmates to tears.  

I was always more a dramatic actor, I could never let go enough to get the silly; which ultimately would have been my down fall because I do not have leading man characteristics.  But right there, is another fear, I was afraid of embarrassing myself, looking like a fool, and let’s face it that’s comedy gold, and C’s got in spades. 

But this isn’t a post about C, although I bet you do don’t you C?  Don’t you? Don’t you? *hums your so vain*

No, rather this post is about seeing her fearlessness and wanting to emulate it.   Fear has constantly controlled my life and it’s time that I let it go.  So I need to do things to start taking more risks. 

First of all, this fear of abandonment thing has got to go.   I need to be able to make new friends, and I need to not be so afraid of being loved someone.  Sure I might get hurt, but just think of all the wonderful new things I’d be able to write about.  

Classic mirror shot, but part of not being
ashamed of one's body, is actually not being
afraid of pictures of it. 

I need to stop being afraid of my body and everything that it is and isn’t.  I need to let go the years of neglect and abused that others and myself have put it through and just let it be for now.  I need to put things into it that make it feel good, not just make me feel good in the moment.   I also need to not be afraid of other’s loving it, not to be confused with not being okay with other eroticizing it.  My body, it may change, it may not, but it’s a wonderful body because I am in it and I’m a pretty wonderful guy. 

This isn't something that I need to let go for me, although that is important.  But one day I want kids, and right now I actually have quite a few ones in my life.  Not long ago I was asked by <i>fairy geek daughter</i> to stop on a scale in a bathroom when we were about to give her a bath.  So I did, because she does not have the baggage that I do that's attached to the number that comes out.  So I did and I told her what it said, and she just said, "WOW that's a lot!"  and then asked me how many of her could fit inside me, and it turned into a math problem.   I promise you that was not an easy conversation to have, but one I certainly did with a smile on my face and lots of laughter with the game that pursued.  It's important that I don't give anyone, especially that young, my baggage, because it's mine not hers..  

Also her mom might shoot me if I started giving her body image issues.  

Success. I’m going to do it.  I am going to have success and I am not going to be afraid of it.  I am going to be starting my own business, I am currently busting through the numbers but I think I can make a really good go at it. 

Writing, I notice that I am getting better with it, there still tends to be the odd grammar mistake and typo, but I am so much better then I used to be.  I need to work on my fiction ideas, I have a couple of fabulous ones that I would like to do flush out and I’m the only one that can do it. 

My Father and his family.   This is a very tough fear for me to let go, because there’s a lot of baggage; anger and hurt, attached to this fear.  I am ready to accept that they will never be a part of my life again; I think that this is okay.   Not all of them are abusive, but they are all a part of a cycle of abuse that I just can’t be a part of.  As long as the cover up what my father and grand father are doing, then I can’t be a part of them.   I feel no shame from this.  

Emotions, yes emotions.  All my BPDers will understand this one.   I need to not be afraid of them, I just need to realize that I am not defined by them either.  Good or bad, I am me, my emotions just enhance the experience.  It's not the other way around.    I really REALLY need to learn this. 

Academics.  I know that’s a funny fear to have, but it is one.   You see I’m a high school ad a college drop out.  I feel that the education system failed me, and I resent it on many fronts.  From them trying to pressure me into something I’m not, to family doing the same thing using this system as a tool.   I need to let go the resentment that I feel towards teachers and guidance counselors some of whom never have and never will get me.  

I think education is something that is best done and given freely.  I feel that everyone should be able to learn what they what to learn and at their own pace.   I feel that there’s definitely foundational knowledge that needs to be learned, we all hated it, but I think that’s the important.  But once that’s go, let a child’s mind fly free.  Whether they want to learn knife skills to be a good chef, or how to do graphic design from the ground up; if we allow their minds to learn what they want I think we’ll be surprised what the future will bring.

So I’m vowing to do that.  I have my foundational knowledge, I have a good business sense, although my professionalism could use some work and I think I have what it takes to start my own business. 

What I need to do is not let this business be a crutch, a way to avoid people.   Because honestly, it’s partly what it came from.  I have people problems, but I need to address those in other ways.

I need to not be afraid to make new friends, or be afraid to lay boundaries.  I am going to take classes, writing, cooking, business classes, and anything else that tickles my fancy. Join community theatre, choirs, whatever; just do whatever I’m interested in, and whatever it takes to take me out of my comfort zone. 

  

I am a force to be reckoned with; this is something almost everyone I know has told me.   I just need to start believing it.  

Trust: Not an Easy Game to Play

Knowing the difference of when to speak up and say something when you feel you’re being wronged and realizing when you’re just internalizing things is not a really easy skill to master.  I know, because I have been trying to get a handle on this for a very long time, but more often than not I get stuck inside my own head and can’t figure out how to express myself until it’s too late and I blow up, which usually means I end up pushing another friend away.

So how can we figure out how to implement this skill? How are we suppose to figure this out on our own?


I have a friend, a friend I have recently reconnected with and they’re currently back in Ontario visiting.  I really wanted to see this friend and I made plans to take a bus to the city they were in to meet up with them for lunch or coffee, or anything.   I e-mailed them genuinely excited the day before, genuinely excited at the prospect of seeing them.

I didn’t hear back. 

Now instead of giving this person the benefit of the doubt, giving them their credit where credit was due, I internally flipped out.   In my heart of hearts I know that this person would never do anything to upset me, in fact this person has never shown me anything but compassion and support throughout the entire time that I knew them.

However rationally I could look at the situation, when this person didn’t respond to my e-mail in time for me to follow through on my plans I felt heart-broken.  Heartbroken and betrayed, maybe that’s over reacting a little bit, but over reacting really tends to be my middle name.  I didn’t understand, because this person seemed so interested in getting together to me, and all of a sudden they hated me.  Maybe I was just getting lip service, they kept telling me they wanted to get together just to keep me satisfied, not thinking that I would follow through and making plans.  

This is how I thought, so when I heard from this person too late, apologizing because facebook e-mail had screwed up and sent it to her too late, and didn’t even send the response she sent, I was almost inconsolable.   I had convinced myself that they hated me.  Enough so, that I could have easily rearranged things and made plans for the following day, but I was angry and no longer wanted to see them.

This game of tug of war that I constantly seem to play with other people in my head is getting in my way of having genuine and honest relationships, whether they be friendships or intimate ones.   You might tell me that since I am aware of the behaviour that I should just be able to stop myself, but it’s really not that simple.

What I have to start doing is giving people a chance to explain themselves, and I need to take those explanations at face value.  I need to stop thinking that everyone is going to betray me, I have to trust that they’re sincere and honest.  Because 9 times out of 10, the friends I have made over the years really and truly are. They deserve to be trusted, and I deserve to give them that chance instead of alienating myself from everyone I know.

Boiling Point

I feel I need to preface this, because I am trying to step away from just ranting angrily on a blog.   I mean that's what LJ was for when I was in high school.  But at the same time, today I am very angry, and I feel that I need to express that.  What I am trying to do with this blog is document my healing process and I can't do that if I don't express the anger and frustration as well.

It was said best in the movie, Better Than Chocolate: “You know, I’m feeling a kind of rage.  A nasty kind of bubbling-up kind of rage.”  And the most unfortunate thing about it is that I can’t stop it.  I am pissed off at pretty much everything and everyone, but let’s start at the main root of this. 

Doctors. 

Yep, if I have learned one thing in this journey of mine is that doctor’s don’t seem to want to actually help you.   I’ve just been referred from one doctor to the next, and told to hurry up and wait.   

I started this path a year ago, I started a new job and I wanted to be able to keep it.   I know I am my own worst enemy when it comes to jobs and usually end up failing because I get in my own way.  I figured if I start this now, if I get treatment, I can start getting better and I can finally turn things around. 

I lost my job in March.   I lost it in March and I am still waiting for treatment.  

I just want to get better, is that too much to ask for?  Is it too much to expect that I’d be able to get help?   But no, I’m triaged to the absolute bottom of every god damn waiting list there is, because I have a critical analysis, I’m incredibly self aware, and I am not at risk for hurting myself or others. 

Great.  Just great.   I can’t even begin to tell you how frustrating this is, I’m not saying that other people don’t deserve treatment, but talking to people that I know who are social works and therapists in other communities, it’s common for spaces to be made for people who are in crisis.  

Who the fuck’s right is it to say that I am not in crisis?  And I am not apologizing for the language.   I have been just barely been keeping my head above water for pretty much all of my life.   I want to make a change, but I know I can’t do that by myself – I have support, I know people who love me no matter what, and support me through the changes I want to make.   But they can’t help me make them.  

But every time I talk to someone else, they refer me to someone different, and I have to wait months for every referral and I am about ready to wash my hands of the whole entire thing. 

I feel that the only way I can be taken seriously by these so called ‘mental health’ professionals is if I slit my wrists and call 911.   That might sound a bit graphic, but it’s really how I feel.   But I wouldn’t do that, because if I do that it takes a hospital bed away from someone who may need it for something more important then someone who’s just trying to manipulate the system.  

But I’m beginning to feel that I’m running out of options.

/angry-rant

A (Lack Thereof) Treatment Plan

It was about a year ago when I really started to think about taking my mental health head on.  I had reached a point, I had gotten a good job and I was in a good place.  I wanted to keep that job, and I wanted to make sure I had the tools.  So a year ago I started fighting for better treatment then just the band aid of more medication, different medication; I needed something different, I needed a solution.  

It’s been a year and so far all that I was able to get from my doctors is three brand new diagnoses and a new medication that didn’t work to level out my moods.  I have tried everything that was offered, but mostly what I have been doing is a lot of waiting.  In the mean time I have lost my job and I have been fighting to keep myself from going into a downward spiral.

I am fairly certain I have hit rock bottom.   But there’s a difference this time.   This time I am not looking for easy or quick fixes, I know that I am really going to have to work to get myself better, to make myself successful, and to get myself to a place where I feel that I deserve all of the good things that come along with success.

So of my three new diagnoses, there are two that I’m really worried about, and one, now that I know it I am going to use it as a tool.   I am not going to sit still and wait for more consultations to tell me that I need another consult.  There are things I know I’m starting eventually, but I the mean time I really need to start a treatment plan, even if it means I am working on my own, or at least without medical help.  This is all subject to change.

Dialectical Behaviour Therapy

Of course I haven’t started the group therapy yet, and honestly it probably won’t be until December until I do.   But that being said, I feel that I can start working on my skills now, I have picked up a couple of books that were suggested to me, that I am going to go through, and one is a workbook, which of course I am going to take my time and work through it.

I won’t be doing this entirely on my own of course, I am lucky enough to be a patient of not just a family doctor, but a family practice.   They are going to be hooking me up with one of their social workers/counselors in the interim while I wait for a DBT group to be available to me.   With their help, I hoping that I will be able to get a good head start on working on the things I need to.

While working through the books and the skills – I am going to be utilizing my blog as a way to document my thoughts and feelings regarding what’s going on.

Referencing the following books:
The Dialectical Behaviour Therapy Skills Workbook
The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide

Eating Mindfully

I have always struggled with food in one way or another.  I am taking the steps to change this.  Yet another book I picked up, Eating Mindfully by Susan Albers, I will be using this as a tool and guide to start developing a more healthy relationship with food.  The reasons that I need to do this is not only for my mental health, but for my physical health as well, I just found out that I have been diagnosed with Fatty Liver Disease and it really woke me up.

I have decided that I really need to be more mindful about what it is that I am putting into my body, but not limiting myself.  I feel if I put myself on a fad diet just to lose weight I will just end up reinforcing my already healthy relationship with food.

I need to approach this in a way that doesn’t look at taking things away – I need to stop stressing myself out over losing my favourite greasy foods and sweets, but instead look at what I’m gaining.  Challenge myself to make new and exciting dishes, which not only taste awesome, but are good for you.

Much like above, I will be using my blog as a tool.  This book lays things out in lessons – I plan on writing about lesson, and discussing my food choices.  This might be boring to a lot of people, but I feel that it could be helpful to those of us that struggle every day with eating and eating choices.

Referencing the following book:
Eating Mindfully

Spirituality

I have spent some time looking back on my life – trying to figure out when I last felt at my healthiest.  There were many things going on then, but one big element is that I was really connected to my spirituality.  It helped bring clarity and lifted the fog.

I wanted to post this, because I think that this is an important step in my healing process.   However, this is one thing that I think is a pretty private step and my reflections on it are my own.  It’s funny that I am much more private about my faith then I am about my mental health, but I think talking about my health issues I am bringing understanding, not only to my struggling peers, but to my friends and family that are trying to understand.

My faith however is my own relationship with what I believe in, and I think it’s important that I don’t press those choices on anyone.  Seeing as how, as a gay man I have had many religious paths shoved down my throat.

---

Right now, those are the three steps that I am taking.  My treatment plan literally consists of mind, body and soul.  I think it’s important that we all take care of our mental, physical and emotional well being anyway that we can.  It isn’t much, but this is something, and it seems that so many of us that are fighting with the medical health system for treatment, for whatever reason, whether were not high-risk enough for priority care or there just isn’t the resources in your area to meet the demand, we can’t just wait for them to treat us.  All of us need to make the steps on our own to get better, and it doesn’t stop with getting your diagnosis(es).

I know how frustrating this is, in fact my anger and frustration on this has a tendency to consume me a lot of the time.  We spend most of our lives fighting just to survive; we shouldn’t have to fight so hard to get better.  We should be entitled to the care that we need.  But it’s not the reality of the situation.   I think we as individuals coming up with our own plans: self-care, treatment, ect., is a way to help ride out the storm.

Dreaming of the Past

I used to have this friend – I don’t think of her often, but when I do she consumes my thoughts.  I just had a really intense and vivid dream about her, and I woke up heart sore – I woke up missing her.  

Part of me wonders if she ever thinks of me.  Does she remember me fondly?  Or does she look back upon me with distaste after catching me in a web of lies and deceit?  Most of which had to do with her.

We had an incredibly tumultuous friendship.  A friendship that seemed to be incredibly bad for the both of us, as we both tended to bring the worst out in one another.  Both of us were as equally fucked up, both of us did our very best to hide it from the world – I think both of us at times tried to use the other to make ourselves look better.   I can remember her doing certain things to me that really hurt, that allowed her to come up on top – and vice versa, there were times that I made her look the fool to make myself feel better.

So despite thinking about her from time to time, I don’t actually want her back in my life.   I look back on our friendship and time together with a smile on my face generally, because when it was just the two of us it honestly felt like we could take over the world.  

From randomly driving around chain smoking and blasting punk, and some pop punk, we each had an equally weak spot for Green Day to watching romantic comedies and being sappy about it. I did and still do love her dearly.

But I recognize that we weren’t healthy for one another – I think, I feel, that we each needed more help then we were willing to admit and we compounded on each other.   Now that I have become a little more self aware – I notice a lot of my behaviour towards her was very symptomatic of my BPD and I would suspect that BPD might also have been a problem for her to, despite the fact that she always seemed to have things much more together then I did in some regards.

This has got me thinking though, one of the things that I find I tend to do in a friendship with a person is that I tend to emulate things about that person.  I try to become more like them for them to like me.  I don’t know if this type of mirroring is typical of people with BPD, but I think it makes sense.  Since I never feel like I’m a whole person, that I’m ever really somebody, I tend to try and make myself into someone they would like by emulating them.

Because of this I have often come across as fake, insincere, or like I’m trying way too hard.  It’s why my most of my  friendships and relationships tend to end in such a spectacular display of fireworks and drama, instead of fizzling out.

I’m scared of starting DBT, because I’m scared that when I finish treatment, when I discover who I really am I will lose friends, because what brought us together, what held us together as friends was never real.  It was me just trying to be someone I’m not.

Borderline Personality Disorder – it really fucks with your head when you let yourself really be aware and question what you’re feeling and the motives behind it.  Hopefully I can get into therapy before too long.  

Wherever you are my old friend, I hope that you are having a much easier time of things and that you have the life that you always wanted.  Much love to you.  

Follow Up Confession

There are many reasons I started this blog, and although most of them are for me - pretty much all of them actually -  it’s also a place where my friends, family and other loved ones can go to actually understand what’s going on with me, because I so often have trouble understanding it.

However, there was one thought that went into it that’s not about me.   I wanted to break down issues surrounding mental health stigma, homophobia, slut shaming, and many more things that I have struggled with on my journey. I wanted to give something to someone, to know that they’re not alone.

For the first time someone contacted me in regards to experiences I wrote about, an acquaintance of mine that I’ll call Sam, because I like using gender neutral names.  This person contacted me because they were really taken aback by what I had written, because they had identified with it so profoundly that it actually made them really question what was going on with their life.

Sam also feels now, upon doing their own research that they need to go speak to a doctor about BPD.   That they need to get help, get better, and figure out the best treatment course for them.

I can not tell you how glad I am that I was able to, in some small part, help Sam ask the right questions and to reach out and get help.  For so long - I have begun to notice  with my BPD peers - we go undiagnosed for a long time.  We are just told we have depression or anxiety and are given pills and left to fend for ourselves.   This doesn’t help.  I didn’t even know what BPD was until I was diagnosed with it, and I have always been pretty well versed on mental health issues, so I wasn’t being asked the right questions for the longest time, and I didn’t know the one’s to ask.

I am so glad that I can at the very least, help someone with that step.

I’d be lying if I said that I was comfortable and at ease when Sam contacted me.   In fact, it actually stressed me out, I found myself getting a bit defensive and irritated. Sam is a great person, and I have much respect for them, but I found myself feeling a bit more lost.

As I mentioned in my last post I really have had much anxiety over this diagnosis, because I am fearful of losing myself in it.  I have to say one of my biggest fears right now is that there is nothing more to me than this disorder.  That if it is taken away there will be nothing left.

To have someone so profoundly identify with what I wrote; these incredibly personal feelings…. Well  it felt a bit like that I was losing  a bit more of who I am. It’s as if it was proving to me that I am nothing beyond my symptoms because my symptoms create these behaviours.

But I need to remind myself, “I am not my disorder.”

I need to remind myself that Sam is where I was a few months ago, and since we’ve already talked about it, they too are going to feel this.

I am not my disorder.  It’s an important reminder, it’s something that I, and other loved ones in my life have been constantly reminding me of in the past few days.

“Sam” has read this post and has given me permission to post this after we spoke about what was going on. Talking about this these last few days has actually helped me immensely, so if this is something you also need to talk about then I extend the invitation to do so. . If I come off as a bit defensive and irritated, please know that that’s about me and not you.